10,000 Words and Counting...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, this is how I feel this morning, wanting to scream into a pillow because I am having extreme writer's block and feel as though my novel should at this point, just be torn into tiny little pieces and flushed down the toilet so that I can start anew.
There.I said it.
But I'm really starting to like my two main characters and the relationship that they are creating with one another so I don't want to give up on them or their progress quite yet. 
I'm working with time shifts and keep coming up short handed, not sure how to portray how time has passed and what occurred between the years of the big event that I want to occur but can't be given away too soon in the story line.
Yesterday I loved every single one of my characters but I fear one or more of them might have to disappear because I'm not sure how much development I can give each one of them to make them likable and, more so, relevant to the story.
There is death and humor and underlying insanity all combined...
Sounds fantastic, right?!
Perhaps I have asked too much of my characters and they are simply sinking under the pressure of having to portray  any one of these attributes at any given moment that I may ask them to. They seem angry with me and unwilling to cooperate. Perhaps I should ask them out for a cup of coffee so that we can discuss what is expected of them and come out with some sort of compromise in the end.
Maybe I'm the one going insane.
OK. Vent is over and my head is a teensy bit more clear. Speak to me Lizzy Reynolds. What do you want out of this short 50,000+ word life? I'm listening.
All you have to do is speak up.

The Interview

So, I went to an interview at a medical office last night and it took years off my life.
It lasted a whole hour and 3 different people came in asking pretty much the same questions over and over again in different ways.
I felt sort of like a prostitute, trying to sale myself and my skills. It left me feeling dirty and weak and unworthy.
I mean, how does one answer such questions as 'What are your 2 greatest accomplishments in life?' and 'Can you name an experience  in the past year that was difficult for you and how did you handle it?'
My mind went completely blank and I was brought back to the time I had to take a public speaking class, focusing on not saying the word 'um' (though I know it escaped my lips more than once...I also, within the hour that I was there, began to use the phrase 'for sure'...what? Am I a surfer girl now?)
The whole experience left me feeling completely drained. I don't even remember over half of my answers. And the questions just made me question my existence and worth in this place. What have I accomplished in this life? What extra effort have I set forth to make another human being feel better about themselves? What makes me special in any way shape or form?
 Living in a small town, I don't have many options when it comes to work. I basically have to know somebody, work somewhere in the medical field or in tourism. (Not to mention be OK with making very little money in a profession that doesn't make me feel like I have a purpose.). I'm not saying it would be better or easier anywhere else, but it's making living here that much harder to enjoy.
And that sucks.
Because it's my home, for now anyway, and a place I used to be so in love with.
Now, I just feel bitter and enraged at the lack of opportunity it presents for me.
So many times I've gotten in the car, wanting to take only the clothes on my back and drive...just drive to the next accepting city or state and give it a try.
My inability to settle is unsettling.
Ironic.
I'm stuck at another crossroads, another 'road not taken', uncertain which path to follow.
I know what my heart is telling me  to do, but the consequences could be that much more drastic and I'm not sure I can emotionally handle that right now, nor do I want to cause or be any burden to anyone else.
I've wasted so much time not doing the things I love that I've forgotten what it is that truly makes me tick as a person, as an individual.
I feel like everything is a test and I'm failing miserably.
An ongoing interview that I can't escape from...

Synopsis

Last Kiss

It's been 15 years since she stepped foot back into her small town of Asheville, NC. Running away from the moment she left high school, she is faced with the reality that the past never fully goes away. The memories still haunt her with each footstep she takes and the illness of her Mother is the only thing that keeps her from running away again. She has kept so many secrets to herself for so long. Death and the dying seem to follow her no matter where she goes. Perhaps, it is time to let the world know who Lizzy Reynolds really is.

Character Development

Who are you? We've met briefly but I have yet to understand your purpose.You have a slight depth, creeping out slowly in the sentences formed at random. Your consistency is bland and not yet well put together. But with this in mind, I find this makes you human. You're likable. At least I like you so far. And I can relate to the trials and tribulations you have already conquered and look forward to the ones that have yet to come out onto the page for all to see.
You are still a stranger, like an onion, unfolding her layers one by one, not quite letting me get to the core of your existence.
Why did you leave?
Why do you come back?
Who are the people who have come and gone in your life?
What gives you motive to keep on living?
What makes your story one that aches to be read?
These are only a few of the questions I have for you.
I'm here waiting for you to answer through my mind. For it is you and only you who can speak to me and allow me to unfold the story you have to tell.
You have a clean slate and no one holding you back. You can be whomever you wish to be. That's what makes this process so beautiful.
Speak to me and I promise I won't fail you, writing you as you wish to be written and allowing you to take complete control over my words.
You just have to let me in.

Rainbow Connection

It's official. I have started writing a novel.
So far, it's only three short chapters of nothing but random and 1874 words, but it's a start.
I want to start off by saying that I have woken up every morning since writing my last two blog entries, wanting to apologize for the lines written in a slue of self pity. The truth is, I'm not really sorry. (I'm not even sorry for just enjoying a white chocolate mocha with a butterfinger cookie for breakfast...so there!) Maybe that makes me a bad person? Who knows. All I can say is that I apologize for everything, including how I feel about any given thing and I think that has somehow turned into me taking responsibility for things and circumstances that I have no control over.
I can't solve and/or fix every little problem that comes my way. As much as I would like to, and I will never stop trying, but I feel like it's my turn to stop and try to figure out what I want and need out of this life. I stayed in a position for 10 years because I was scared of the insecurities that would come along with leaving the job. I didn't want to disappoint anyone nor did I want to start over.
But now I have and I've gone through every emotion I imagine possible. I've worried what everyone would think of me. I've worried about money and helping provide. I've worried about not having a purpose. I've worried about having to decide on something quickly, only to be put in the same situation once again for another 10 years.
What happened to the adults that told you to follow your dreams when you were a child? Why do they seem to disappear when you've suddenly become an adult yourself?
Ironically, the truth that I have found in these last few weeks, is that I'm fine.I have a crazy wonderful support system and nothing else matters. Life goes on and it's my turn to take on some challenges of my own. I can't be held back by my demons masked as insecurities, blaming others for ideas and thoughts that they most likely don't even think. And if they do, who cares? It doesn't affect them in any way shape or form. I've been preaching in my mind for so long to simply live my life and to not let everyone else control it, it's time that I start listening.
So I've started writing a novel. Perhaps it will be a work of greatness. Perhaps it won't. The point is, I've started.
And for now, that's enough for me.

 'I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me'
Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog

Positively 4th Street

I left the house yesterday with a nice outfit on my back and glistening lip gloss on my lips, adorning an undefeated smile and holding 4, count them 4, copies of my resume in hand.
I was bound and determined to win them, really anyone, over with my expertise, skill and exuberant personality. I sached out of my front door in the early(ish) hours of the morning, head held high with the expectancy of a new beginning  in the grasp of my fingertips.
And...
I failed.
I mean, I failed miserably, not even coming close to having the nerve to actually walk up to a stranger behind the counter of one of my favorite bookstores, let alone hand her a resume. I started off downtown because this, THIS, was my old stomping grounds! I belonged here with the masked scent of patchouli mixed with body odor, long hair, music and smiles, artistic creation upon every corner. This was my home away from home.
Or rather, it used to be.
Walking the streets of Downtown Asheville made me become Dylan's lyric of 'I used to be among the crowd you're in with'. It felt forced and unwelcome. And it seems I have lost the childish nerve that comes along in one's early twenties. I'm stuck between corporate business and the American Dream because I've been such a big part of both scenarios.
I'm lost in a world with no in between.
I used to be so independent and though I still lack the ability to ask for someone's help, I have succumbed to feeling lost within myself, unable to communicate well within the outside world. I find myself feeling so insecure and anxious; trapped between a line of people who seem to have it all figured out.
I much prefer to be at home, lost in a good book or TV show, allowing myself to be embraced by the characters and their fictional world.
I don't know what's real anymore.
The strength I summon up to be able to be a part of anything social is so miniscule and yet it takes every inch of nerve I somehow convince myself I have left, to simply walk out the door. Who is this creature I've become? What happened to the girl with the light in her eyes? Always full of hope and  ready for whatever happened to be around the corner? Who is this somewhat broken person staring back at me in the mirror; this zombie slowly drifting further and further away, letting resentment take over?
Why do I feel like giving up? What's next in this never ending jig-saw puzzle of a mess?
I know. I won't give up because I'm not supposed to and because I know I'm just in the downward slope part of an uphill battle. I will push and bleed and hike up that path just as I've always done. I won't be defeated and everything will be fine.
It. Will. Be. Fine.
Right?
Right.

Tick Tock

I feel like I'm in high school again; waiting by the phone, willing it to ring and in that mere instant, simply knowing that my life is about to change.
But like in high school, the phone doesn't ring.
Then, it was for a boy. Now?
I'm not sure what I want to hear on the other end of the line.
It's so frustrating being here and feeling as though I'm starting over. I know that the decision I made to leave a career in which I have built on for over 10 years was a huge one and that along with it comes consequences. But knowing this doesn't make the transition any easier.
 I feel as though I'm leading myself into a blind, vacant forest of little or no opportunity. I fill out application after application with little interest or hope of a new door to walk through. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's as though my insides are ripping me apart with worry, confusion, and perhaps some excitement that comes along with the freedom of suddenly having time.
I am hyper-sensitive to every conversation around me. I want to be with people and then suddenly wish to be alone with my own thoughts, free from the distraction of any unwanted negative energy that should drift my way.
I am asked the same questions over and over again by those who I know are only interested in the next step in my journey, perhaps worried as well. But I have no answer other than the truth and it's that 'I don't know'. I have so many ideas of what I would love to do and how I would love to grow as a person. I just  don't know where to begin.
I find myself getting irritated with the community and area I live in because work is not easy to come by. And the fact that every time we get back from a vacation, I feel less at home than I did when we left, is a very disconcerting one.
I'm drifting away into my thoughts and over-sensitivity and I'm not sure how to break free from it. There are places I want to see and things I want to do and be a part of but I feel like I have to keep these things secret to protect anyone else from being hurt or disappointed.
I feel trapped and time is just ticking away because no matter what, life just keeps going on around you. There is no pause button.
That would be too easy.
My hope in leaving was to find some sort of unknown that I've been searching for for so long. I know it will just take time but I can't avoid the emptiness I am feeling in not having a purpose to get up for every morning. The worst feeling is that I know I've done this to myself and that I am to blame.
 I have always believed that one small person can make a difference...and I've always wanted to be one of those people...
I just wish I knew how or where or what....
In some ways, I feel more lost than I ever have and I just don't know what to do.
Dorothy was right when she said "If I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
She left out one part though.... you have to have a home that feels like home in the first place.
I came back, expecting it do be different this time...
But there's still a very big piece missing.
I just wish I knew what that piece was.