The Alligator in the Room

A few years ago, I shared a blog entry from one of my favorite blogs, 'The Bloggess'. It features my most favorite painting in all the world, The Tightrope Walker (original print found at The Haunted Mansion in Walt Disney World). When I read the words she had written, I instantly empathized with her, as I usually do. I love her explanation of the painting more than words because I feel so many of us have such an alligator threatening our happiness and it's nice to know that we aren't fighting this battle alone.
To read the original blog, go here: http://thebloggess.com/2011/12/tightrope-walker/
I highly recommend every word that this woman has ever written.
The original post was shared 3 years ago. A dear friend shared it with me. I shared it with my husband and now I'm sharing it with you a second time. Andrew has always remembered my sentiment towards this painting of such a strong woman; an avenger that walks past that damn alligator as though it's not even there. It goes deeper than that though, she does know it's there, she just refuses to let it mess with her happiness. Sure, he might make her falter at times, but she always wins in the end because she's much bigger than the alligator in the room. Her fear will always be there but her strength to deal will always reign.
It has to.
For Christmas this year, I received the most beautiful, perfect present anyone has ever gotten me. (I truly have the best husband in the world.) The gift is a necklace of said print, with an antique looking chain. It reminds me of something a girl from the 1920's would wear.
It's a constant reminder to keep fighting my own personal alligator that threatens and I will treasure it always.

 

What I love most about this beautiful present is that you can't even see the alligator. He's invisible to the rest of the world but she's very much aware that he's there.
You can see it in her eyes.
 Any one of you that knows me is aware that I usually have a hard time with New Years. I always feel such sadness come over me once the Holidays are over. Time with family and friends goes by way too fast and suddenly the Christmasy feel that I've had since I was a small child disappears for another year.
I struggled keeping the Christmas spirit this year for numerous reasons that I don't care to get into. The truth is that this year has been a rough one and it's been hard to let go of words spoken or not spoken and events that took place or should have taken place. So with this being admitted, I actually welcome 2015 with hopeful open arms. I know that changes are coming and I am both excited and fearful of them all. My hope is that I can continue to fight through any beast that threatens the happiness that I crave and seek in the coming year. I am leaving this year behind and though I know the memory of it will always be there, I am more than willing to let go of anything that has kept me frozen on the tightrope of life.
I will move forward. I will release anything that is out of my control. I will take that first step and continue on with another and another.
My footwork might be shaky and I might stumble from time to time, but I will not fall.
I will not fall and let the Alligator consume me. He doesn't get to be a staring character in my story.

"…a girl who has won a battle.  A girl who appreciates those moments between maulings.  A girl who knows all too well the dangers and pain around her but who has made a conscious and complete decision to be furiously happy in spite of it all."
The Bloggess

Tis the Season

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love getting together with friends and family, some of whom I only see once a year. I love the chill in the air and the scent of snow lingering outside while we snuggle up in warm blankets watching the reflection of a fire blaze in our loved ones eyes. I love the decorations and driving around at night, counting lit up Christmas trees in strangers' living rooms, enjoying the company of our loved ones and sipping hot cocoa or cider. I love the tradition of every family who celebrates this glorious holiday, no matter the religion, family and friends are often the theme and this makes my heart happy.
There is so much I adore about Christmas.
I have never struggled with finding the Holiday spirit. I am that person who begins counting down the days the moment Christmas Day comes to an end. (You can blame my Daddy Bo for that one). I begin watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving and the moment the radio turns into Holiday tunes, you can bet it stays on that station until December 26th.
I'm that person so many of you pretend to hate.
But I've had a rough year. So many changes, some warranted, some chosen, some unexpected; I've struggled with getting over being hurt, both physically and mentally. I've let these feelings linger and turn to resentment. I've become blinded  by the negativity that once surrounded me and even though I have left some of this behind, it lingers and I fear it has wounded my soul permanently. I struggle to find the good, where I used to be able to shrug the badness off, or at least pretend to. Perhaps all the lingering is the reason behind the bitterness I feel creeping up within me. I try to ignore it, but it appears the only way to get rid of it is to face it head on, no matter the consequences.
My Christmas spirit is faltering and I feel scrooge-ish, a part of me simply wanting to get it all over with so that I can face the next challenge that is presented to me.
New Years, the holiday that conjures up hope of change and possibility but never completely gets rid of  the fear that everything will stay the same.
I have never in my life felt this way and it makes me sad.
I don't want to feel this way and it makes me ashamed to admit it. I feel like I've finally let the harshness of the world take over and it feels like I've given up. I don't have the energy to keep the spirit going for those who have always struggled to find it.
I feel cold and I'm not so sure hearing Christmas carols and hosting parties will be enough to cure the emptiness I feel inside of me. I will try. I will always try. But it's concerning all the same, knowing that such feelings exist within me.
So I will sit here underneath my red and green fuzzy blanket, sipping holiday flavored coffee and admiring my collection of decorations. I will plan our Holiday party making lists of guests and groceries. We will go get our tree and exchange ornaments. We will go see the gingerbread houses and decorate cookies.
And I will smile.
But I will also hurt, just a little, feeling guilty for having so much, but lacking in some way or another. I will hurt for those who have nothing or no one. I will grieve for those who are no longer here to help us celebrate. But I won't let it get to me and I will strive to keep that smile on my face, presenting happiness that falters. This isn't me and I apologize. If you could maybe just send me a nice Holiday thought every now and then, that would be helpful and I will feel forever grateful. I know this will pass and that the spirit is just waiting for me to recognize it right around the corner.
I will find it again, like I always do.
After all, 'Tis the season to be jolly.'
So here it goes.