Positively 4th Street

I left the house yesterday with a nice outfit on my back and glistening lip gloss on my lips, adorning an undefeated smile and holding 4, count them 4, copies of my resume in hand.
I was bound and determined to win them, really anyone, over with my expertise, skill and exuberant personality. I sached out of my front door in the early(ish) hours of the morning, head held high with the expectancy of a new beginning  in the grasp of my fingertips.
And...
I failed.
I mean, I failed miserably, not even coming close to having the nerve to actually walk up to a stranger behind the counter of one of my favorite bookstores, let alone hand her a resume. I started off downtown because this, THIS, was my old stomping grounds! I belonged here with the masked scent of patchouli mixed with body odor, long hair, music and smiles, artistic creation upon every corner. This was my home away from home.
Or rather, it used to be.
Walking the streets of Downtown Asheville made me become Dylan's lyric of 'I used to be among the crowd you're in with'. It felt forced and unwelcome. And it seems I have lost the childish nerve that comes along in one's early twenties. I'm stuck between corporate business and the American Dream because I've been such a big part of both scenarios.
I'm lost in a world with no in between.
I used to be so independent and though I still lack the ability to ask for someone's help, I have succumbed to feeling lost within myself, unable to communicate well within the outside world. I find myself feeling so insecure and anxious; trapped between a line of people who seem to have it all figured out.
I much prefer to be at home, lost in a good book or TV show, allowing myself to be embraced by the characters and their fictional world.
I don't know what's real anymore.
The strength I summon up to be able to be a part of anything social is so miniscule and yet it takes every inch of nerve I somehow convince myself I have left, to simply walk out the door. Who is this creature I've become? What happened to the girl with the light in her eyes? Always full of hope and  ready for whatever happened to be around the corner? Who is this somewhat broken person staring back at me in the mirror; this zombie slowly drifting further and further away, letting resentment take over?
Why do I feel like giving up? What's next in this never ending jig-saw puzzle of a mess?
I know. I won't give up because I'm not supposed to and because I know I'm just in the downward slope part of an uphill battle. I will push and bleed and hike up that path just as I've always done. I won't be defeated and everything will be fine.
It. Will. Be. Fine.
Right?
Right.

Tick Tock

I feel like I'm in high school again; waiting by the phone, willing it to ring and in that mere instant, simply knowing that my life is about to change.
But like in high school, the phone doesn't ring.
Then, it was for a boy. Now?
I'm not sure what I want to hear on the other end of the line.
It's so frustrating being here and feeling as though I'm starting over. I know that the decision I made to leave a career in which I have built on for over 10 years was a huge one and that along with it comes consequences. But knowing this doesn't make the transition any easier.
 I feel as though I'm leading myself into a blind, vacant forest of little or no opportunity. I fill out application after application with little interest or hope of a new door to walk through. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's as though my insides are ripping me apart with worry, confusion, and perhaps some excitement that comes along with the freedom of suddenly having time.
I am hyper-sensitive to every conversation around me. I want to be with people and then suddenly wish to be alone with my own thoughts, free from the distraction of any unwanted negative energy that should drift my way.
I am asked the same questions over and over again by those who I know are only interested in the next step in my journey, perhaps worried as well. But I have no answer other than the truth and it's that 'I don't know'. I have so many ideas of what I would love to do and how I would love to grow as a person. I just  don't know where to begin.
I find myself getting irritated with the community and area I live in because work is not easy to come by. And the fact that every time we get back from a vacation, I feel less at home than I did when we left, is a very disconcerting one.
I'm drifting away into my thoughts and over-sensitivity and I'm not sure how to break free from it. There are places I want to see and things I want to do and be a part of but I feel like I have to keep these things secret to protect anyone else from being hurt or disappointed.
I feel trapped and time is just ticking away because no matter what, life just keeps going on around you. There is no pause button.
That would be too easy.
My hope in leaving was to find some sort of unknown that I've been searching for for so long. I know it will just take time but I can't avoid the emptiness I am feeling in not having a purpose to get up for every morning. The worst feeling is that I know I've done this to myself and that I am to blame.
 I have always believed that one small person can make a difference...and I've always wanted to be one of those people...
I just wish I knew how or where or what....
In some ways, I feel more lost than I ever have and I just don't know what to do.
Dorothy was right when she said "If I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
She left out one part though.... you have to have a home that feels like home in the first place.
I came back, expecting it do be different this time...
But there's still a very big piece missing.
I just wish I knew what that piece was.