I'll Stand Back Up

I have been taking some time the past few days to reflect on some possibilities for my life. I have tried to remain realistic and rational, two qualities I don't seem to carry when I need them the most. Usually, when faced with such decision making, I find myself feeling overwhelmed at each prospect and tend to stay where it is I at least feel safe, even if I know deep down, in the end I will not be happy with the result. I then feel like grabbing my hair with ferocious frustration and run screaming for the hills before anyone has the chance to stop me.
This time, I am trying to approach life more peacefully. It seems I have yet another chance to change the course I've been taking for the past almost 10 years. I feel it's the universes way of telling me "Hey, remember those dreams you've been dreaming and yet not focusing on because you have a job that pays the bills and gets you through? They're still here. Take this chance NOW before another 10 years passes you by and you're too old to accomplish whatever it is you want to get out of this life that is so very short in all  reality."
Ok Universe. I hear you loud and clear.
So when I find myself getting distracted and discouraged over the fear of failing, I try to take a few moments to meditate and truly focus on what it is I truly want. Here is what I've discovered thus far: I have no need or want to be famous. I just want to be heard. I want to make a difference and if my story somehow touches another soul in some small way, this is achievement enough. I find that I have been letting all of the distractions and excuses of everyday life get in the way of actually living my life. I watch people go out with their friends or do meaningful tasks after working the same long hours I have worked. I tell myself over and over again that I will accomplish one small task in a day and seem to be coming up empty of late. I have no motivation or energy and I can't quite pinpoint where the lack of feeling any sort of emotion other than exhaustion is coming from. I can usually shake it and fight against it, but lately. Nothing. I'm numb and feel more like one of the extras in "The Walking Dead" rather than being the star of the show called My Life. Hope seems so far away even though I know I still have some. I just don't know how to bring it back up to the surface. I don't know where to begin.
So I breathe. In and out, out and in. Doing so merely to bring myself back to the situation at hand. I know myself enough to appreciate the fact of if I don't do something now, even if I fail, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I need to forget the whole concept of being accepted or worrying about what everyone else does or might think. Who cares? Why do I care so much about statistics and acceptance? I try to hide how much it affects me but it comes boiling up to the surface again each time I try to ignore it in hopes that age and wisdom will win out this time. Slowly, but surely, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't really matter. I'm losing sight over what does matter and it's this and this fact alone; so many of us have a dream and more often than not, we let fear take control and keep us from doing the things we want to do. I can't let fear control me anymore or I'm going to go insane with worry. I can't do it anymore. I have to find a way to stop. I have to find a way to make my life my own again.
I just wish I knew what to do and how to make this happen. I feel like I'm full of so much and the threat of  exploding could happen at any given moment. But I just keep holding back. I don't feel like I used to hold back as much. Maybe, just maybe, I'm scared of the person who will be revealed should I actually say the words I'm thinking or share the feelings I'm feeling.
I feel lost in the crowd. I guess, in a way, I've always felt like this in some form; like I'm invisible and no one can truly see me or the person I am and who I want to be, just another face with no meaning, shrinking away into a tiny existence that holds no relevance.
There are so many pieces to me and my life that I feel I need to pick and take apart, then somehow reconstruct them into a work of art I can simply call my own. I don't want to create a story based on small facts I've lived throughout my life. I want to write my story. Yet it seems to be so much harder than creating a character of fiction. I've spent so much of my life focusing on everyone else and can somehow muster up enough positivity to throw in their direction, but when it comes to dealing with myself and my pain, I don't seem to have enough positive healing left over.
So I wait for a new day, letting each hour, each minute, each second pass me by when deep down I know that I could have used that time to create something wonderful.  I do hear the words of encouragement coming out of everyone elses mouths preaching "you can do it" and "we believe in you", but it isn't until I can say these same words to myself that I can truly change and succeed.
I'm tired of waiting and I have to start somewhere. So this is it, the beginning of a journey I thought I had started when I created this blog. In truth, I've only been procrastinating, hiding behind the small glimpses of my story that I have offered to you here.
Today is the day I start to follow my dreams. Today is the day I spread my wings and fly. I may fall more than once, but I will get back up and try again. The only truth in failure is if I don't try at all.
Here it goes.

"I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up"
-Sugarland

Judgement Day

I struggle with judgement every day.
Perhaps we all do.
I find myself hearing/listening to tid-bits of people's conversations, learning that they are mostly filled with discussions/representations of another person(s). I am notorious for over thinking everything I say or do and upon hearing such conversations, tend to revert the position of the person(s) being talked about onto myself. Some might say that in doing this, I make everything about me. Perhaps I do in a way but I don't view it as being in a selfish manner. At least, this is not my intention. I believe that I do this because I fear that judgement is being passed onto me and I have no control over it. I find myself feeling empathetic to the people who are not there in the room to defend themselves over being spoken about secretly. I find myself feeling horrible for not speaking up for them. And, I confess, I find myself feeling horrified that these sort of conversations take place about me while I'm not around to defend my own self.
All this being said, during the instances when I do find my voice and speak up against the words being said to defend a person I care about or a community I stand strong with, I find that while speaking, I feel this breath of insecurity creeping into my veins, knowing full well that as soon as I walk away, I will be the next topic of conversation. I tell my inward self that I don't care.
But I do.
I care how and what people think of me even if I hold no respect for a word that comes out of their own mouths. Just like most of us, I want to be liked and looked up to. I want to be known as being someone who stands up for the people and beliefs that she stands for in this world filled with cruelty and dishonor.
Then there are the days when I find myself synced in with the gossip. I hate myself on these days because it stands against everything I work so hard to avoid. I know there is a time and a place to vent/talk/scream about the moments in life when you just don't understand why something was done a certain way or why a person reacted in a certain fashion. But the last thing I want to do is pass judgement onto a person because of how and who they are. In most instances, I don't even know the person well enough to even begin to understand their actions. So what gives me, or anyone else, the right to speak out against them so negatively just because he/she didn't do what I might have done in the same situation?
I am a sensitive soul who tends to see most circumstances as more than just black or white. There are so many different scenarios and my mind often goes back and forth in all different directions, trying to understand each different perspective. It can be exhausting which I guess is why sometimes I do join in with the norm of most people just getting irritated with someone because he/she didn't react in the same way I would have. It's the easy way out.
It's a horrible excuse and I try so hard to stay away from it even though I'm surrounded by it every day.
Who needs to fear Judgement Day when we put ourselves through it on a daily basis simply by being human?
Think about that for just a moment.

"Now I have a lot to learn and I'm starting tonight,
Got to stop looking at things like they're black and they're white.
Got to write more songs of a little more, treat my friends better.
Got to stop worrying about everything to the letter.
And sometimes when it's too hard to get up,
It just might be a little call apart.
But I find it hard to believe, but if anything
That's what's going to save me
That's what's going to save me"

 "New Years Eve"- First Aid Kit