Sometimes I feel like no one truly takes me seriously.
Perhaps this is because I'm the youngest and add being small and quiet into the mix and that makes me screwed from the get go.
I've always struggled with having a voice- knowing I have very strong opinions but feeling too worried that I might offend someone has on many occasions made me keep my mouth shut. I listen. I'm a listener.
I'm a very good listener.
I'm highly aware that my wavering confidence and paranoia at times can be the reason why I feel like what I have to say is mute to everyone else. I have honestly reached the point in my life where I mostly don't care how other people perceive me, especially those of whom I harbor not an inch of respect.
It's those whom I look up to myself and those choice few people whose opinion of me does matter- this is what I struggle with.
But I usually still keep my mouth shut because honestly, I can't change how they perceive me or how they feel about any given situation. I know this and am almost too aware of what's written unsaid between the lines. Feelings are heavy and at times awkward. It often turns into a contest of who's right and wrong- when the area is too gray to even come close to the correct answer.
There is no correct answer and I can accept that for what it is.
I go on living my life with the occasional lingering voice in the back of my mind whispering to me that I'm not good enough at anything I do. I pick up the guitar and will learn 5 new songs in a day- but that voice is there telling me I will never equate to those around me who also play. I work in the medical field (with animals instead of people) but this too wasn't mine before I started. The knowledge is shared and though I have much of it, it's not as extensive as others merely because I haven't had the chance to live so long doing it...yet. This doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. This doesn't mean I can't strum a guitar or carry a tune. I have a voice.
I have a very strong voice.
A voice that I feel sometimes only gets heard by a handful of friends and strangers right here, no matter how loud I sing or how confident I feel when explaining- very few listen.
Just once, I wish someone would listen.
The other day jokes were being thrown around about being dramatic. My husband was asked if he felt I was a drama queen and my dad simply told him to 'be careful how he answered'. I looked at him and he honestly said 'God no! She's the furthest thing from it'...and my dad laughed.
He laughed.
And not a simple 'ha ha ha'. It was from the heart because he truly believed Andrew was just trying to get out of an awkward mess. This may seem silly and irrelevant but it hurt just the same. I could see the confusion on Andrew's face because I know he truly meant the words he said. He wasn't around during the time in my life when it seemed drama followed me wherever I went. I imagine it seems as though I always went looking for it but this was never the case...maybe in a small way but that's done and over. That chapter in my life has been closed for years. I've let it go.
Why can't everyone else follow suit? Why is it not so obvious how much I have grown and changed in the past 10 years?
Maybe they have in a small way- but maybe it's harder for them because seeing those insecurities disappear means that their baby has grown up- maybe this scares them in a way I can't fully understand because I am not yet a parent.
I still have insecurities- don't we all? ( I mean seriously I'm screaming out loud right now on the computer but can't conjure up the nerve to speak the words to the faces I'm hurt by). Hey, at least I own them. At least I'm aware.
Life is such a strange phenomenon. We grow up listening to the adults around us simply because this is what we're taught to do. Anyone taller than us serves as a potential role model. I stopped growing at the age of 12, never quite reaching the height of 5'2''. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that not all adults know what the hell they're talking about and that we're all just playing the game day by day, hoping we just don't screw anything up. It sucks to come to the realization that your role models have the same insecurities as you do. It's a harsh lesson and one I struggle with the most.
I sit here and complain about not being taken seriously but there is a small part of me that still wants to be taken care of and told that everything will be OK. The memory of being taken to bed via shoulder back and sung 'goodnight' to is still so fresh in my mind.
Perhaps it's still that fresh in theirs too and it's that much harder to break away from.
So I leave you with this parting thought- don't be afraid to speak up, no matter how small, large, old or young you are. You have a voice and it wants to be heard. Your voice may quiver and shake and this may make it seem as though you have no clue what you're talking about- but don't listen to that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you you're not good enough. You are good enough. (I am good enough.) Believe in yourself...
And everyone else around you might start believing in you too.
'Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough '
R.E.M 'Losing My Religion'
Perhaps this is because I'm the youngest and add being small and quiet into the mix and that makes me screwed from the get go.
I've always struggled with having a voice- knowing I have very strong opinions but feeling too worried that I might offend someone has on many occasions made me keep my mouth shut. I listen. I'm a listener.
I'm a very good listener.
I'm highly aware that my wavering confidence and paranoia at times can be the reason why I feel like what I have to say is mute to everyone else. I have honestly reached the point in my life where I mostly don't care how other people perceive me, especially those of whom I harbor not an inch of respect.
It's those whom I look up to myself and those choice few people whose opinion of me does matter- this is what I struggle with.
But I usually still keep my mouth shut because honestly, I can't change how they perceive me or how they feel about any given situation. I know this and am almost too aware of what's written unsaid between the lines. Feelings are heavy and at times awkward. It often turns into a contest of who's right and wrong- when the area is too gray to even come close to the correct answer.
There is no correct answer and I can accept that for what it is.
I go on living my life with the occasional lingering voice in the back of my mind whispering to me that I'm not good enough at anything I do. I pick up the guitar and will learn 5 new songs in a day- but that voice is there telling me I will never equate to those around me who also play. I work in the medical field (with animals instead of people) but this too wasn't mine before I started. The knowledge is shared and though I have much of it, it's not as extensive as others merely because I haven't had the chance to live so long doing it...yet. This doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. This doesn't mean I can't strum a guitar or carry a tune. I have a voice.
I have a very strong voice.
A voice that I feel sometimes only gets heard by a handful of friends and strangers right here, no matter how loud I sing or how confident I feel when explaining- very few listen.
Just once, I wish someone would listen.
The other day jokes were being thrown around about being dramatic. My husband was asked if he felt I was a drama queen and my dad simply told him to 'be careful how he answered'. I looked at him and he honestly said 'God no! She's the furthest thing from it'...and my dad laughed.
He laughed.
And not a simple 'ha ha ha'. It was from the heart because he truly believed Andrew was just trying to get out of an awkward mess. This may seem silly and irrelevant but it hurt just the same. I could see the confusion on Andrew's face because I know he truly meant the words he said. He wasn't around during the time in my life when it seemed drama followed me wherever I went. I imagine it seems as though I always went looking for it but this was never the case...maybe in a small way but that's done and over. That chapter in my life has been closed for years. I've let it go.
Why can't everyone else follow suit? Why is it not so obvious how much I have grown and changed in the past 10 years?
Maybe they have in a small way- but maybe it's harder for them because seeing those insecurities disappear means that their baby has grown up- maybe this scares them in a way I can't fully understand because I am not yet a parent.
I still have insecurities- don't we all? ( I mean seriously I'm screaming out loud right now on the computer but can't conjure up the nerve to speak the words to the faces I'm hurt by). Hey, at least I own them. At least I'm aware.
Life is such a strange phenomenon. We grow up listening to the adults around us simply because this is what we're taught to do. Anyone taller than us serves as a potential role model. I stopped growing at the age of 12, never quite reaching the height of 5'2''. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that not all adults know what the hell they're talking about and that we're all just playing the game day by day, hoping we just don't screw anything up. It sucks to come to the realization that your role models have the same insecurities as you do. It's a harsh lesson and one I struggle with the most.
I sit here and complain about not being taken seriously but there is a small part of me that still wants to be taken care of and told that everything will be OK. The memory of being taken to bed via shoulder back and sung 'goodnight' to is still so fresh in my mind.
Perhaps it's still that fresh in theirs too and it's that much harder to break away from.
So I leave you with this parting thought- don't be afraid to speak up, no matter how small, large, old or young you are. You have a voice and it wants to be heard. Your voice may quiver and shake and this may make it seem as though you have no clue what you're talking about- but don't listen to that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you you're not good enough. You are good enough. (I am good enough.) Believe in yourself...
And everyone else around you might start believing in you too.
'Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough '
R.E.M 'Losing My Religion'
