This year has been a challenging one for me.
Upon looking back at events gone by, I find I have learned many new attributes about the human race. I have also found that the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep my faith in people in general. It's not as easy as it was when I was a child to just simply look the other way. Perhaps I just understand more about the circumstances surrounding me than I was able to when I was younger. I never noticed the hustle and bustle that the holidays brought about. I was, and still am, so very fortunate to have been brought up in a family that loves Christmas time; not to say that we all don't somehow get caught up in the stress of preparing the perfect meal, buying the perfect gift, creating the perfect atmosphere, decorating the perfect home...we're all guilty of this. But at the end of the day, the love my family and friends have for each other as they come together around the holiday season is worth more than all of the other "stuff" that tends to get in the way this time of year.
It saddens me when people can't seem to feel the true meaning of Christmas. Whether you are religious or not, the faith and happiness that brings people together this time of year is what makes it all so special. For me personally, it's all about the love and the warm fuzzy feeling that surrounds me this time of year.
All this being said, I have struggled with staying positive this year. It seems the harder I try, the more exhausted I become. I tend to take everything personally and my heart simply isn't big enough to carry all of the burdens of the people who surround me in my every day life...let alone the world.
I have been disappointed this year. I have both learned and experienced first hand the greediness, selfishness and uncommitted-ness from people I thought I knew or wanted to get to know.
It hurts.
And I have a hard time letting it go when these events have obviously made my faith in people falter.
My husband Andrew and I traveled across the country this past Spring and I can't remember another time when I felt so free and alive. I was truly able to let it all go and live each moment to it's fullest. It's the first vacation I've ever had when I wasn't ready to come home.
I cried.
Some days, I still cry out for the Oregon coast, asking her not to forget me and praying that she will still love me when we one day return.
Someday, I want to be able to feel that freedom again.
Someday.
Sometimes I find it difficult to know the difference between what's important enough to hold onto and what's not. I tend to let feelings boil up inside of me until I can't take it anymore and bubble over with words and tears and hurt that I've let take over me without even realizing it.
The days following Christmas have always been the saddest time of the year for me. As much as I would love to view the coming new year as a chance to start all over again, I find myself feeling guilty over the tasks I haven't accomplished.
The other day, I found a list that Andrew and I had made at the beginning of this year. It was a promise to ourselves and to each other to do more. There were maybe 10-15 items on the list and we accomplished 1.
One.
I know this is better than nothing but I struggle to remember when my motivation began depleting. I often have conversations with myself in my mind about all of the things I want to be and do. I pump myself up, almost enough to accomplish so many of these dreams...and yet.
It seems once I get started or have even an inkling of motivation, I talk myself out of it or get so overwhelmed with the idea of failure, I ignore all other possibilities of succeeding and stick to what's comfortable.
I used to be such a risk taker, or at least I like to think that I was. But in reality, I've always been somewhat of a scared little girl, too afraid to come out in the open and let it all out. Aren't we supposed to grow with each coming year?
Why is it that I feel like I'm going backwards?
Every day I get up, take a shower, let the dog out and tell myself that today will be a better day. I won't let the sadness that my job sometimes brings get me down. I won't let someone elses mood affect my own. I won't break. Some days, I'm strong and I am able to defeat the negativity that tries to sneak in. Lately, even if I last through the day, by the time I get home, I'm so exhausted from trying so hard to stay positive that I have nothing left to give.
It's not fair to Andrew and our family of critters.
And it's not fair to me.
Every day, I tell myself that there is something else out there. And every day, I surrender to the comfort of familiarity.
I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.
I'd like to say that I'm strong enough to look at this new year as a chance to accomplish more than one thing on my list; that I will let myself take one breath, one step, one day at a time.
It's not from lack of wanting. I so very much want something better for my family and for myself.
And it's not that I'm not truly grateful for the people in my life. I honestly could not ask for better family or friends. I wouldn't be who I am today without them. I can't even begin to express how lucky I feel to wake up beside the man who's not only my husband, but my best friend, each and every morning. I am very blessed and not a day goes by that I don't feel thankful for everyone in my life.
If anything, this year I've discovered I have the sense and adventure of a nomad and the heart of the Tin Man. Perhaps, I've always known this and just never given it a name. Sometimes it's hard to live collectively with these two traits that tend to often battle each other within me.
Sometimes it feels like a losing battle either way I go.
But I'm going to try.
And if I fail, I fail. At least I can then look back at the end of this time next year and say that I gave it my all.
That's all any of us can really do, right?
So, here it goes.
"Well it's a new year, with it comes more than new fears.
Met a young man who was in tears, he asked me,
"What induces us to stay here?"
I said, "I don't know much and I'm not lying,
But I think you just have to keep on trying."
And I know I am naive, but if anything
That's what's going to save me
That's what's going to save me"
New Year's Eve- First Aid Kit
Upon looking back at events gone by, I find I have learned many new attributes about the human race. I have also found that the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep my faith in people in general. It's not as easy as it was when I was a child to just simply look the other way. Perhaps I just understand more about the circumstances surrounding me than I was able to when I was younger. I never noticed the hustle and bustle that the holidays brought about. I was, and still am, so very fortunate to have been brought up in a family that loves Christmas time; not to say that we all don't somehow get caught up in the stress of preparing the perfect meal, buying the perfect gift, creating the perfect atmosphere, decorating the perfect home...we're all guilty of this. But at the end of the day, the love my family and friends have for each other as they come together around the holiday season is worth more than all of the other "stuff" that tends to get in the way this time of year.
It saddens me when people can't seem to feel the true meaning of Christmas. Whether you are religious or not, the faith and happiness that brings people together this time of year is what makes it all so special. For me personally, it's all about the love and the warm fuzzy feeling that surrounds me this time of year.
All this being said, I have struggled with staying positive this year. It seems the harder I try, the more exhausted I become. I tend to take everything personally and my heart simply isn't big enough to carry all of the burdens of the people who surround me in my every day life...let alone the world.
I have been disappointed this year. I have both learned and experienced first hand the greediness, selfishness and uncommitted-ness from people I thought I knew or wanted to get to know.
It hurts.
And I have a hard time letting it go when these events have obviously made my faith in people falter.
My husband Andrew and I traveled across the country this past Spring and I can't remember another time when I felt so free and alive. I was truly able to let it all go and live each moment to it's fullest. It's the first vacation I've ever had when I wasn't ready to come home.
I cried.
Some days, I still cry out for the Oregon coast, asking her not to forget me and praying that she will still love me when we one day return.
Someday, I want to be able to feel that freedom again.
Someday.
Sometimes I find it difficult to know the difference between what's important enough to hold onto and what's not. I tend to let feelings boil up inside of me until I can't take it anymore and bubble over with words and tears and hurt that I've let take over me without even realizing it.
The days following Christmas have always been the saddest time of the year for me. As much as I would love to view the coming new year as a chance to start all over again, I find myself feeling guilty over the tasks I haven't accomplished.
The other day, I found a list that Andrew and I had made at the beginning of this year. It was a promise to ourselves and to each other to do more. There were maybe 10-15 items on the list and we accomplished 1.
One.
I know this is better than nothing but I struggle to remember when my motivation began depleting. I often have conversations with myself in my mind about all of the things I want to be and do. I pump myself up, almost enough to accomplish so many of these dreams...and yet.
It seems once I get started or have even an inkling of motivation, I talk myself out of it or get so overwhelmed with the idea of failure, I ignore all other possibilities of succeeding and stick to what's comfortable.
I used to be such a risk taker, or at least I like to think that I was. But in reality, I've always been somewhat of a scared little girl, too afraid to come out in the open and let it all out. Aren't we supposed to grow with each coming year?
Why is it that I feel like I'm going backwards?
Every day I get up, take a shower, let the dog out and tell myself that today will be a better day. I won't let the sadness that my job sometimes brings get me down. I won't let someone elses mood affect my own. I won't break. Some days, I'm strong and I am able to defeat the negativity that tries to sneak in. Lately, even if I last through the day, by the time I get home, I'm so exhausted from trying so hard to stay positive that I have nothing left to give.
It's not fair to Andrew and our family of critters.
And it's not fair to me.
Every day, I tell myself that there is something else out there. And every day, I surrender to the comfort of familiarity.
I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.
I'd like to say that I'm strong enough to look at this new year as a chance to accomplish more than one thing on my list; that I will let myself take one breath, one step, one day at a time.
It's not from lack of wanting. I so very much want something better for my family and for myself.
And it's not that I'm not truly grateful for the people in my life. I honestly could not ask for better family or friends. I wouldn't be who I am today without them. I can't even begin to express how lucky I feel to wake up beside the man who's not only my husband, but my best friend, each and every morning. I am very blessed and not a day goes by that I don't feel thankful for everyone in my life.
If anything, this year I've discovered I have the sense and adventure of a nomad and the heart of the Tin Man. Perhaps, I've always known this and just never given it a name. Sometimes it's hard to live collectively with these two traits that tend to often battle each other within me.
Sometimes it feels like a losing battle either way I go.
But I'm going to try.
And if I fail, I fail. At least I can then look back at the end of this time next year and say that I gave it my all.
That's all any of us can really do, right?
So, here it goes.
"Well it's a new year, with it comes more than new fears.
Met a young man who was in tears, he asked me,
"What induces us to stay here?"
I said, "I don't know much and I'm not lying,
But I think you just have to keep on trying."
And I know I am naive, but if anything
That's what's going to save me
That's what's going to save me"
New Year's Eve- First Aid Kit
