Sometimes I feel like a camera.
I lose focus and suddenly everything around me seems blurry. Some days, all it takes is a 20 minute yoga practice or dancing around the living room to The Grateful Dead and I'm back in the game. Others, it takes a bit more humph to get me going again and no matter how many times or how often I try to readjust the setting on my lens, everything still seems completely out of whack and the picture comes out all wrong.
I am trying to focus on being more positive of late. I somehow lost site of that somewhere in the past few months and though I usually adorn a cheery disposition on the outside, it sometimes doesn't seep through the rest of my skin and my insides are found wanting.
One day at a time, I have started to set new goals for myself. I find I get bored way too easily. My brain never stops thinking and my fingers never start wriggling throughout each task I feel the need to finish within a day. I make to do list upon to do list and feel guilty when I can't accomplish everything all at once. Then I get frustrated because the day is over and I have no time left to do something enjoyable.
I'm learning to make time for fun.
I'm also learning how to breathe. Maybe it's just me but I have made the observation that when I get particularly flustered, I hold my breath. Having no air circulating in and out of your lungs is not a good thing. I guess that's why you always hear people saying "take a deep breath before you do or say something that you're going to regret." There really is some truth to that. If you take the time it takes to breathe in and out one good deep breath, it may stop you from completely forming negative emotions and letting them pass through your body, causing more stress than is needed. The more I think on and practice this frame of mind, the more I am able to let go.
Letting go is never easy. I am often guilty of holding back and not finishing something because of my fear of rejection or not being liked. The past few days, I have been writing about a time in my life that I truly struggled. I was concerned that in writing about and revisiting these events, I would come out blotchy and crumpled like a roll of film being over exposed. The truth is that I need to get it out and it's OK to be exposed. That's what writing a memoir does to you. It reveals the insides and outs of one's life and I can't be too afraid or hold back too much. If I do, this great work that I am trying to create will never be formed into the something I want it to be.
Reading back over the sentences I've written this week, I have found that it's not quite as painful as I thought it would be. The words are beginning to flow and make sense. I have some gaps to fill in but I'm still in the very beginnings of what I hope becomes a great piece of art. I'm letting go and letting the blank page in front of me be the canvas for the photograph I want to create.
Even if it's a little bit blurry right now, I guess it's a start.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Aghan Girl
I remember the first time seeing this picture and having the same feeling towards it I have today. Many may say that her eyes are fearful but I draw nothing from it but strength and determination. Her eyes pierce through any spectator as if to challenge him into crossing her path.
She reminds me of Katniss from The Hunger Games.... But her story is not a work of fiction.
I was thinking about her this morning because my own conscience was beckoning for strength. Suddenly, this image crept into my mind. The moment it did, I felt as if I could accomplish any feat that might be tossed my way today.
I wanted to know more about this stranger and her ability to capture mine, and I'm sure so many others', attention. Everyone has at least seen this photograph at some point in their lives. She's famous and she never knew of or intended it. To me, that makes this image that much more beautiful.
I had never read her story until today: http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/photographers/afghan-girl-cover.html
To hear her speak of her life would be an honor. She and those like her have so much to teach us all about life and the hardships that we face. She is a true warrior and I admire her and her path to freedom.
We spend so much of our time worrying about trivial matters. On days like today when I find myself worrying more than usual, I have to remind myself that it could always be worse.
I could be homeless and an orphan with no shoes on my feet or shirt over my back.
I was born into freedom and there are so many individuals in this world who will never get the chance to even take a glimpse into her eyes.
So I thank you Afghan Girl, wherever you may be. Thank you for humbling me and for giving me the strength I needed today. Your fight will never be overlooked.
My Kind Of Protest
It's that time of year again when everyone's politics and beliefs get put on public display because no one knows how to keep their opinions to themselves.
I know we live in a free country where freedom of speech is a huge benefit, but sometimes I think this one right is taken advantage of more than any other. Since when was it ever OK to knock other people onto their asses because they don't believe in the same thing you do?
Since when was it OK to ridicule someone just because they are different?
We are so obsessed with our right to speak freely that sometimes we forget that who or what we are speaking against is a person. The hatred that ensues over political or even moral conversation is baffling.
I'll be honest. I hate this time of year because it brings out the worst in people. Not everyone is in tune with the emotional status of another person. Not everyone cares; in fact, I don't think most do. Most are too busy "being right". There comes a line between speaking your opinion to get a point across and intentionally hurting your opponent just to win a stupid debate.
In my book, this is not OK.
My family and I went to explore downtown Brevard this past weekend and came upon a silent protest. There were 4 older men and their dog, all standing with signs about peace and anti-war. They didn't speak to anyone who passed them by unless they spoke to them first. They were calm and let their signs do the talking. It reminded me of John and Yoko and their bed in's.
Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.
I am constantly paranoid that people are judging me for not speaking up. My shyness has often come across as snobbery when I don't think that has ever been the case. I am a true observer in that I take every piece of information in before I form my own opinion about something. And in doing so, I still respect everyone else involved regardless if they agree with me or not. I avoid confrontation because I get so tongue tied that I can never get out the ideas that are forming in my brain. I don't like to argue with anyone or to prove myself and my beliefs. I know how I feel and it's no one elses business but my own. At times, this makes me look ignorant and perhaps I'm being judged for that as well.
Maybe I am too sensitive to everyone elses' feelings. Maybe I'm too sensitive myself. I posted a video on YouTube once. It was just a silly 20 second video with me and the stuffed rabbit Andrew and I always take with us on vacation. We thought it would be funny to post it with the title "Rabbit Attacks Girl". After awhile there were more dislikes than likes posted towards it and the comments got nastier and nastier, one being that I was a "troll girl".
My feelings were hurt by a person I didn't even know and I tried to understand why in the World someone would say such a terrible thing just because they didn't like something. It's just a video, if you don't like it, fine. But why go completely out of your way to intentionally make another person feel badly? I just don't get it. I deleted the video because I personally couldn't handle the criticism being thrown at me over something that was just supposed to be fun and silly and possibly make someone else laugh.
My point is this: Think before you speak. Is it really necessary to share how you feel if it's going to cause someone elses emotions harm? I know sometimes these conversations need to happen if the other person's actions are causing an issue in the workplace or social event, ect. But fiirst ask yourself, is it worth it for everyone involved? If not, just let it go. It's not that hard. Life is too short to be bitter, judging every person, place and thing that you come into contact with.
To quote one of my favorite movies Bill and Ted, "Be excellent to each other. And.... Party on dudes!"
You might just be surprised at how much better you feel focusing all of your energy on something positive.
I know we live in a free country where freedom of speech is a huge benefit, but sometimes I think this one right is taken advantage of more than any other. Since when was it ever OK to knock other people onto their asses because they don't believe in the same thing you do?
Since when was it OK to ridicule someone just because they are different?
We are so obsessed with our right to speak freely that sometimes we forget that who or what we are speaking against is a person. The hatred that ensues over political or even moral conversation is baffling.
I'll be honest. I hate this time of year because it brings out the worst in people. Not everyone is in tune with the emotional status of another person. Not everyone cares; in fact, I don't think most do. Most are too busy "being right". There comes a line between speaking your opinion to get a point across and intentionally hurting your opponent just to win a stupid debate.
In my book, this is not OK.
My family and I went to explore downtown Brevard this past weekend and came upon a silent protest. There were 4 older men and their dog, all standing with signs about peace and anti-war. They didn't speak to anyone who passed them by unless they spoke to them first. They were calm and let their signs do the talking. It reminded me of John and Yoko and their bed in's.
Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.
I am constantly paranoid that people are judging me for not speaking up. My shyness has often come across as snobbery when I don't think that has ever been the case. I am a true observer in that I take every piece of information in before I form my own opinion about something. And in doing so, I still respect everyone else involved regardless if they agree with me or not. I avoid confrontation because I get so tongue tied that I can never get out the ideas that are forming in my brain. I don't like to argue with anyone or to prove myself and my beliefs. I know how I feel and it's no one elses business but my own. At times, this makes me look ignorant and perhaps I'm being judged for that as well.
Maybe I am too sensitive to everyone elses' feelings. Maybe I'm too sensitive myself. I posted a video on YouTube once. It was just a silly 20 second video with me and the stuffed rabbit Andrew and I always take with us on vacation. We thought it would be funny to post it with the title "Rabbit Attacks Girl". After awhile there were more dislikes than likes posted towards it and the comments got nastier and nastier, one being that I was a "troll girl".
My feelings were hurt by a person I didn't even know and I tried to understand why in the World someone would say such a terrible thing just because they didn't like something. It's just a video, if you don't like it, fine. But why go completely out of your way to intentionally make another person feel badly? I just don't get it. I deleted the video because I personally couldn't handle the criticism being thrown at me over something that was just supposed to be fun and silly and possibly make someone else laugh.
My point is this: Think before you speak. Is it really necessary to share how you feel if it's going to cause someone elses emotions harm? I know sometimes these conversations need to happen if the other person's actions are causing an issue in the workplace or social event, ect. But fiirst ask yourself, is it worth it for everyone involved? If not, just let it go. It's not that hard. Life is too short to be bitter, judging every person, place and thing that you come into contact with.
To quote one of my favorite movies Bill and Ted, "Be excellent to each other. And.... Party on dudes!"
You might just be surprised at how much better you feel focusing all of your energy on something positive.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
I have a new motto and it is precisely this: Let them come to me.
I have always been the initiator in keeping in touch with people, whether it's old co-workers, friends, family, ect. I'm usually the first one to write or to pick up the phone, which makes it that much more of a special event when someone actually beats me to it. I know that lives get busy. Heck, my own life seems to never stop beating. I know that I am constantly thinking about other people and how much I miss seeing or talking to them on a regular basis. My hope is that they think about me as often.
But gestures matter to me. Sometimes so much that it hurts my feelings when it seems I am the only one trying to keep things going. I know deep down that a lot of these feelings stem down to my paranoia of people not liking me. I know this isn't true but leave me alone to think about it for more than 5 minutes and I will have convinced myself that the world in general doesn't except me and that this includes everyone else I have ever known or will ever meet.
I was that girl who sat by the phone, willing it to ring. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel as though I was waiting for something to happen. In a way, I still am that little girl and I'm tired of waiting.
I want to soar.
And I refuse to let others' actions, or lack there of, hold me back from flying to the highest peak I can possibly get to. It is no fault but my own in that I have let this happen again and again. I offer excuse upon excuse as to why I didn't just go out on my own; by myself to explore the great wide open. I have forever wanted, and sometimes even claimed, to be confident and independent. I don't need to rely on anyone else in order to make myself happy.
My happiness lies within my hands alone, with maybe a little help from whoever is looking out for us up above.
It's so easy to let oneself get settled within the twines of everyday life. But I don't want to keep putting off my dreams because I'm too exhausted or because I have a headache or because I can always do it tomorrow or the next day. There are no guarantees that there will be a next day so the challenge is this:
GET OFF OF YOUR ASS MARY AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!! STOP MAKING EXCUSES THAT YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH OR TALENTED ENOUGH TO MAKE A MARK ON THIS WORLD. HOW WILL YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T EVEN TRY? STOP COMPLAINING AND IF YOU FAIL, YOU FAIL. YOU JUST GET RIGHT BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN IN YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE. DON'T GIVE UP. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. FLY DAMN IT!!!
Just spread your dusty wings
...and fly.
"Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,"
Sugarland
I have always been the initiator in keeping in touch with people, whether it's old co-workers, friends, family, ect. I'm usually the first one to write or to pick up the phone, which makes it that much more of a special event when someone actually beats me to it. I know that lives get busy. Heck, my own life seems to never stop beating. I know that I am constantly thinking about other people and how much I miss seeing or talking to them on a regular basis. My hope is that they think about me as often.
But gestures matter to me. Sometimes so much that it hurts my feelings when it seems I am the only one trying to keep things going. I know deep down that a lot of these feelings stem down to my paranoia of people not liking me. I know this isn't true but leave me alone to think about it for more than 5 minutes and I will have convinced myself that the world in general doesn't except me and that this includes everyone else I have ever known or will ever meet.
I was that girl who sat by the phone, willing it to ring. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel as though I was waiting for something to happen. In a way, I still am that little girl and I'm tired of waiting.
I want to soar.
And I refuse to let others' actions, or lack there of, hold me back from flying to the highest peak I can possibly get to. It is no fault but my own in that I have let this happen again and again. I offer excuse upon excuse as to why I didn't just go out on my own; by myself to explore the great wide open. I have forever wanted, and sometimes even claimed, to be confident and independent. I don't need to rely on anyone else in order to make myself happy.
My happiness lies within my hands alone, with maybe a little help from whoever is looking out for us up above.
It's so easy to let oneself get settled within the twines of everyday life. But I don't want to keep putting off my dreams because I'm too exhausted or because I have a headache or because I can always do it tomorrow or the next day. There are no guarantees that there will be a next day so the challenge is this:
GET OFF OF YOUR ASS MARY AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!! STOP MAKING EXCUSES THAT YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH OR TALENTED ENOUGH TO MAKE A MARK ON THIS WORLD. HOW WILL YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T EVEN TRY? STOP COMPLAINING AND IF YOU FAIL, YOU FAIL. YOU JUST GET RIGHT BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN IN YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE. DON'T GIVE UP. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. FLY DAMN IT!!!
Just spread your dusty wings
...and fly.
"Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,"
Sugarland
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