Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love getting together with friends and family, some of whom I only see once a year. I love the chill in the air and the scent of snow lingering outside while we snuggle up in warm blankets watching the reflection of a fire blaze in our loved ones eyes. I love the decorations and driving around at night, counting lit up Christmas trees in strangers' living rooms, enjoying the company of our loved ones and sipping hot cocoa or cider. I love the tradition of every family who celebrates this glorious holiday, no matter the religion, family and friends are often the theme and this makes my heart happy.
There is so much I adore about Christmas.
I have never struggled with finding the Holiday spirit. I am that person who begins counting down the days the moment Christmas Day comes to an end. (You can blame my Daddy Bo for that one). I begin watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving and the moment the radio turns into Holiday tunes, you can bet it stays on that station until December 26th.
I'm that person so many of you pretend to hate.
But I've had a rough year. So many changes, some warranted, some chosen, some unexpected; I've struggled with getting over being hurt, both physically and mentally. I've let these feelings linger and turn to resentment. I've become blinded by the negativity that once surrounded me and even though I have left some of this behind, it lingers and I fear it has wounded my soul permanently. I struggle to find the good, where I used to be able to shrug the badness off, or at least pretend to. Perhaps all the lingering is the reason behind the bitterness I feel creeping up within me. I try to ignore it, but it appears the only way to get rid of it is to face it head on, no matter the consequences.
My Christmas spirit is faltering and I feel scrooge-ish, a part of me simply wanting to get it all over with so that I can face the next challenge that is presented to me.
New Years, the holiday that conjures up hope of change and possibility but never completely gets rid of the fear that everything will stay the same.
I have never in my life felt this way and it makes me sad.
I don't want to feel this way and it makes me ashamed to admit it. I feel like I've finally let the harshness of the world take over and it feels like I've given up. I don't have the energy to keep the spirit going for those who have always struggled to find it.
I feel cold and I'm not so sure hearing Christmas carols and hosting parties will be enough to cure the emptiness I feel inside of me. I will try. I will always try. But it's concerning all the same, knowing that such feelings exist within me.
So I will sit here underneath my red and green fuzzy blanket, sipping holiday flavored coffee and admiring my collection of decorations. I will plan our Holiday party making lists of guests and groceries. We will go get our tree and exchange ornaments. We will go see the gingerbread houses and decorate cookies.
And I will smile.
But I will also hurt, just a little, feeling guilty for having so much, but lacking in some way or another. I will hurt for those who have nothing or no one. I will grieve for those who are no longer here to help us celebrate. But I won't let it get to me and I will strive to keep that smile on my face, presenting happiness that falters. This isn't me and I apologize. If you could maybe just send me a nice Holiday thought every now and then, that would be helpful and I will feel forever grateful. I know this will pass and that the spirit is just waiting for me to recognize it right around the corner.
I will find it again, like I always do.
After all, 'Tis the season to be jolly.'
So here it goes.
There is so much I adore about Christmas.
I have never struggled with finding the Holiday spirit. I am that person who begins counting down the days the moment Christmas Day comes to an end. (You can blame my Daddy Bo for that one). I begin watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving and the moment the radio turns into Holiday tunes, you can bet it stays on that station until December 26th.
I'm that person so many of you pretend to hate.
But I've had a rough year. So many changes, some warranted, some chosen, some unexpected; I've struggled with getting over being hurt, both physically and mentally. I've let these feelings linger and turn to resentment. I've become blinded by the negativity that once surrounded me and even though I have left some of this behind, it lingers and I fear it has wounded my soul permanently. I struggle to find the good, where I used to be able to shrug the badness off, or at least pretend to. Perhaps all the lingering is the reason behind the bitterness I feel creeping up within me. I try to ignore it, but it appears the only way to get rid of it is to face it head on, no matter the consequences.
My Christmas spirit is faltering and I feel scrooge-ish, a part of me simply wanting to get it all over with so that I can face the next challenge that is presented to me.
New Years, the holiday that conjures up hope of change and possibility but never completely gets rid of the fear that everything will stay the same.
I have never in my life felt this way and it makes me sad.
I don't want to feel this way and it makes me ashamed to admit it. I feel like I've finally let the harshness of the world take over and it feels like I've given up. I don't have the energy to keep the spirit going for those who have always struggled to find it.
I feel cold and I'm not so sure hearing Christmas carols and hosting parties will be enough to cure the emptiness I feel inside of me. I will try. I will always try. But it's concerning all the same, knowing that such feelings exist within me.
So I will sit here underneath my red and green fuzzy blanket, sipping holiday flavored coffee and admiring my collection of decorations. I will plan our Holiday party making lists of guests and groceries. We will go get our tree and exchange ornaments. We will go see the gingerbread houses and decorate cookies.
And I will smile.
But I will also hurt, just a little, feeling guilty for having so much, but lacking in some way or another. I will hurt for those who have nothing or no one. I will grieve for those who are no longer here to help us celebrate. But I won't let it get to me and I will strive to keep that smile on my face, presenting happiness that falters. This isn't me and I apologize. If you could maybe just send me a nice Holiday thought every now and then, that would be helpful and I will feel forever grateful. I know this will pass and that the spirit is just waiting for me to recognize it right around the corner.
I will find it again, like I always do.
After all, 'Tis the season to be jolly.'
So here it goes.
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