Public Speaking

I've never been a fan.

Even when I was younger, I would cringe up at the dreaded words of show-n-tell. I loved to share my favorite items with my closest friends, but the thought of standing up in front of the whole class and having to talk about a children's book I loved or a special stuffed animal I enjoyed, made me want to vomit.

I did vomit once in fifth grade but I at least made it to the back of the classroom, completely missing the trash can in my panic of foreseeing my lunch come back up. It was horrible. I was so embarrassed.

For the most part, I managed to suffer through these moments. I'm not so sure what scared/scares me so much about speaking in public. Perhaps it's the fear of someone laughing at me or even the fear of complete silence after I'm finished. In college, one of my classmates corrected me on something I said wrong because I was so nervous and unable to truly focus on the words coming out of my mouth and her comment got me so flustered, I almost fled from the room in tears. I won't lie. There was a part of me that wanted to punch her in the face... I work myself up so much that I literally make myself sick...

But I have so much to say.

I think this is why I love to write so much because in my writing, I generally have no fear of what comes out on paper. I used to keep all of this "stuff" tucked away in notebooks, scrap pieces of paper and lunch room napkins. But now I actually want people to read it.

It's different then standing up in front of a classroom of people. Some of the pressure is simply taken away and it's easier to let loose and not hold back what it really is I want to say.  I'm not standing directly in front of a person while they are reading something I've written and my audience has, so far, been kind with their criticisms. Sure, I still want people to enjoy what I put out there, but here, in my writing,  I can hide behind my words. It's my safety net and I hold much comfort in that fact alone.

I used to drive an '89 Pontiac Grand am, covered in bumper stickers. Many of them portrayed my view on being a vegetarian, while others ranged from wildlife protection to being a dreamer to being a free thinker. I will never forget the day another class mate came up to me and proclaimed that for such a quiet person, my car screamed out so loudly.

He was right. I have always wanted to be an activist in the ideas, thoughts and morals I believe in. And I feel that being such a shy individual has held me back somewhat. Yes, I have found ways of still getting my views and beliefs out there but I admire people like Joan Baez and Martin Luther King with their ways of singing and speaking out about views in our world that needed/need to change.They didn't let fear get the better of them because the ideals they believe/believed were that much stronger than the fear of not being liked and accepted.

I find myself living vicariously through such public figures, wishing I could be the change I see in the world.

But I know mere wishing gets us nowhere. If I expect a change, I need to do my part. What that part is...I'm still trying to figure out.

There was another time, while in the grocery store, I came out struggling with my bags and found a strange man standing beside my car. When he saw me approach, he asked me if I believed the bumper stickers I had displayed.  I would like to say that I retorted with a wise comment about how I of course stood up to the words plastered to my car, why else would they be there?... but all that came out of my mouth was a shaky "Don't judge me!" as I threw my groceries into the back seat, ran to the driver's side and hit the gas pedal with full force as I sped out of the parking lot.

I was furious!

How dare he take the time to wait outside for me to denote everything I stood for? What gave him the right to portray such negativity to a stranger who just wants the world to be a better place? Then I realized the main reason I was so upset was because I let him get to me and I'm sure that was his goal all along.

My friend Gwynne once told me "It's hard for a sensitive person to live in such a cruel world." That's true, but we sensitive people do live here among  all of the insensitive assholes that try to bring us down. News flash; I may be quiet and appear to be oblivious, but I hear and take in everything you say. I just choose to keep it within me to avoid any sort of confrontation.

I'm tired of doing this and I want my words to be heard.

So beware all of you creeps who find joy in bringing a positive thinker down. You will not win. You will not defeat me. You will not bring me down to your level.

I have something to say.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one"
John Lennon