I used to surround myself with people I wanted to help or fix or whatever you want to call it. I was so consumed with everyone's issues and problems that it gave me no time to focus on the fact that maybe I needed help too.
Maybe I was the one who needed saving.
What right did I have to try to change anyone into who I knew, or at least thought, he could be? I tried so hard to make everything perfect in so many imperfect scenarios and my struggle started to delete the person I knew I could be....and I didn't begin to realize it until it was almost too late.
Suddenly, I looked into the mirror one morning and didn't even recognize myself. All I could see was the person standing beside me in my own reflection. Without him, without someone, I was nobody.
I wouldn't say that I've ever been clinically depressed. I've had my good days and bad days just like anyone else. But leave me in a room alone for more than half an hour, and I seem to have the ability to convince myself that I'm a completely different person.
For instance, I often find myself comparing situations to my own past. Deep down, I know that every circumstance is different, but I can't help but wonder if I have ever been the source of such pain when I'm standing on the outside, watching people I care about go through something similar. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being challenged by my past, but now I'm standing on the other side, getting a small glimpse of what others must have seen. There are times when I have flashbacks of a girl, crouching in the corner or in the shower, hands over her knees, head down, rocking back and forth with her eyes squeezed shut, praying to anyone who will listen or understand and not judge or say cynical words.
I hate this girl and yet I have sympathy for her.
She was my lowest point and I never want to see her again.
But she's still there, crouching, somehow always threatening to burst free. I fear her more than any other person I have crossed paths with. I hear words being spoken in jest and I want to scream "THAT WASN'T ME!"
But it was....
Many people in my life seem to become frustrated with me when I subtlety brush away a kind word or a compliment given. I make a joke or I try to hide the pain via flashing my best smile. They don't realize that in the back of my mind, my past self is saying "Oh, if they only knew..."
Ironically, many of them do know....so I guess that's something.
She will always be a part of me in some way. Perhaps she is why I find myself to be more lenient with people who seem to share the same sort of demons. Perhaps she is also why I sometimes struggle to understand why someone can't break free from such inner demons.
At first, it only seemed to affect me. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't the only one suffering. I don't feel like I was being selfish...I just didn't think anyone truly cared. But there comes a time when you have to escape such thinking. You have to look around you, open your eyes and embrace that you are loved and cared for.
Mistakes and all.
It's those who don't realize this, or realize it too late, that suffer the worst. These are the people who really do end up alone...
Sometimes it's hard to accept the mistakes I've made. I am my worst critic and struggle with the line between acceptance and punishing myself by not forgetting. Letting go and letting go completely are two very different things. I'm not sure I'll ever have the strength or ability to let go completely. I'm not sure if that's even an option...but I'm working on it.
I used to think it was only him that I walked away from that day, but it was much more than that. I walked away from a part of myself, knowing that she will always exist within me; knowing, that I will never give her the chance to take control again because I'm better than that life. I survived it and have no intention of ever turning back.
Not exactly free, but close enough.
" But I can turn on the charm
Show them nothing more
Than what I've done before
It's nothing much new
But it'll do
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be"
Dar Williams
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