A Much Needed Vent

Well, so much for the "I whole promise to write every day" notion. I do have a valid excuse, a few actually, but it still makes me mad at myself for not following through....

In saying that, this post has absolutely nothing to do with my book. It's basically focused on all of the "stuff" going on in my life right now and the mere fact that I just need to get it out. So....since I'm feeling guilty for not writing and because I need to relinquish the ever so big growing knot in my stomach that's been slowly forming from keeping it all in, I'm going to both write and vent at the same time.

There. Problem solved.

I give you fair warning here. This post is meant to be absolutely honest and in no way do I mean to upset or offend anyone. I just need to get it all out and that means ALL of it. Stop here if you wish to read no further. For those of you who are brave enough, please continue....

Good news first. Andrew and I are moving back to the mountains!!! Yippee!!!! We have wanted this for such a long time and feared it was never going to happen because of Andrew's struggle to find a permanent position. Thankfully, because he is so very awesome and has finally gotten what he truly deserves, he found a permanent job with Cisco that allows him to work from home from any state or city he wants.

We want Asheville.

So as of April 27th, 2012, we will be officially and physically moving out of our townhouse that we have occupied with our six pets for 3 1/2 years. There is much happiness and excitement during this time but on the other hand...and I'll be blunt...I'm scared shitless.

Now for the bad news. Andrew has a job (yay!)....but I don't (boo!). I haven't had to search for jobs for 6 years and it seems the dynamic has changed a bit. Everything is online now and I'm struggling with finding positions in my field of work. Plus, I don't know if I still want to be a Veterinary Technician. I feel like this is my chance, a turning point in my career, where I am being allowed to make a change in the type of work that I do.

Don't get me wrong, I love love love working with animals and most of the clients are wonderful too. I'm good with people and have a great ability for caring and empathizing with everyone involved in my line of work (human and non-human). But I'm tired. My body is tried. I have scratches and bruises all over my body on a day to day basis. I ache all over after most days of work and emotionally, sometimes it's too much to bare. This perhaps makes me sound like a big baby or even a coward. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I know that much of the anxiety I'm feeling is over the fact that I don't want to be the "new girl" again, having to prove myself and my abilities, blah blah blah. But part of my issue is that I have always felt like something was missing, like I am supposed to be making a difference in some other way, and yet I can't seem to figure out what that "difference to be made" is.

I hate to sound shallow, but the pay sucks too.

And there's that. Obviously Andrew makes more money than I do and I struggle, knowing that if it weren't for him, we wouldn't have food on our table or gas in our tanks. Yes. I'm appreciative, but I'm stubborn and enough of a feminist to let it bother me and bring me down. I want to be able to have the ability to take everything on myself should I ever have to and with the paychecks I'm earning now, there is no way that I can support our family of 8, let alone should someone else come along. I know that marriage is full of give and take and that in the end it's all a compromise. And we are great at it. (Not to be boastful, but we are.) Our ability to communicate and to  be honest and supportive and loving and challenging and truthful...is what keeps us going.

We were off last week on the communication barrier and I hate that. It seemed when we were trying to tell the other person one thing, something entirely different was being heard. It's so incredibly frustrating when you know someone so well and then there are some days you feel you don't know him at all. This past Saturday, I worked from 7:30-2 and then got a text message from a friend asking me if I wanted to go wedding dress shopping with her. Of course, my answer was "YES!" but I was confused because I knew the groom to be hadn't actually asked her to marry him yet. (That's a whole different subject for a whole different time...) At any rate, I was honored to be asked to be a part of something so huge so I wanted to be supportive. I had a little bit of time to kill before meeting her and another one of her friends at David's Bridal so I was eating a quick snack of peanut butter and crackers with tea. (Let me just say that I know most people actually take the time to spread the peanut butter on each cracker individually but I'm more of a dipper....this is a key point within this sad sad story.) So I was sitting on the couch, talking to Andrew and we were getting ready to watch Doctor Who. I grabbed the peanut butter jar, cracker in had, not even looking and suddenly tea spilled everywhere; my lap...and also my laptop. (It seems I grabbed my tea, thinking it was the peanut butter jar and when I dipped the cracker, pure chaos ensued.) Andrew ran for the paper towels as I sat there soaked in tea, fearing I may get electrocuted with the also soaked laptop, still sitting in my lap. Andrew handed me the paper towels and I gently wiped up the liquid that was slowly disappearing into the keyboard. When I went to wipe my lap, the computer fell onto the floor. When Andrew picked it up, the monitor screen was completely black.

Fuck.

He sat the computer on the counter and pressed the "on" button.

Nothing happened.

I instantly began to panic, exclaiming that all of my stories and ideas for the book were on there and I hadn't backed them up. I felt like a character in a sitcom yelling at myself "WHO DOESN'T BACK THEIR WORK UP?!?!" Not to mention the fact that my resume and cover letter were also on there and I was already feeling behind on the job search front and now I was going to be even more behind and how was I supposed to look for jobs without a computer and maybe this is a sign, is this a sign? Why do these things always happen to me? Why do the cats pee on everything and jump on the counters when I'm cooking? Why am I going wedding dress shopping with someone who isn't even engaged yet?

Needless to say, I was somewhat panicked.

Andrew pulled a Superman move and swooped up the computer, placed it in the laptop case, put on his shoes and took it to wherever you take a laptop that an idiot has spilled tea on.About half an hour later he called me to let me know there was good news and bad news. Apparently, all we had to do was sit the laptop upside down, untouched for 12-24 hours so as to get the rest of the liquid to drain out. However, if it still didn't turn on, it was Done. Finished. Kaput.

So there I was, driving to David's Bridal, hearing not that my computer had a 50% chance of surviving, but that my computer had a 50% chance of being dead. I burst into tears and poor Andrew silently listened, I'm sure not knowing what else to say other than "I'm sorry" and that only made me more angry because it wasn't his fault. I was the screw up . I was the one that ruined everything. Why am I so clumsy? Why do I always mess up a good thing? Why why why?!?!

Obviously,there was something else bothering me other than the stupid laptop. It was just a thing. Everything could be replaced. It was just going to take some time. No big deal really. But this is how I work. I let emotions build up inside of me until the tiniest event makes me explode, not even being aware that something much bigger is the source of all of the tears and screaming and crying. I become unrecognizable and to be honest, a bit scary, during these moments.

We got off the phone and I pulled myself together. After all, I was going to help find a friend her wedding dress. I couldn't show up crying and making it all about me. So I sucked everything back in and flashed my biggest smile and jumped up and down like a little girl, showing all of the excitement I could muster.

What else was I supposed to do?

Later, we all ended up back at our house. The other girl that had come along had two daughters as well and we ordered pizza and watched t.v. ("Toddlers and Tiaras" to be exact....their choice...just more damn icing on the cake.) Andrew got home a couple of hours later. I was sitting on the floor while my guests were taking up our one chair and tiny couch. I had become mute at this point, trying to add fill ins in the conversation here and there but I was exhausted. He sat there for a few minutes, took one look at me that I didn't even notice, and said "Well, it was great to see you guys!" (aka..."Get the hell out of our house.") They all laughed and left about 10 minutes later. The door shut behind them and Andrew wrapped his arms around me in the tightest hug he could bare and simply said "Let go".

So I did.

I think I cried for at least half an hour. He never let me go, even when I tried to break away. He just let me cry and express all my anxiety over being jobless and soon homeless (because we are still looking for a house) and how everyone hates me and is mad at us because we're moving and is this a mistake? Maybe we should just stay here wouldn't that be easier why does this have to be so hard this is what we want this is what we've wanted for so long and we've been so busy focusing on everyone else that we haven't given ourselves the chance to even be happy about this big change we are making for OURSELVES and everyone else gets to be selfish so why can't we have that same luxury why do I get so concerned about whether or not our new house has an extra bedroom for family and friends to come visit or in counting how many miles it is from my parents house damnit why do people have to like us?!?!?! (Please excuse the lack of punctuation in that super long run-on sentence. There is simply no room for such niceties when I go off on a tangent.)

Finally. I let myself get it all out and I did feel much better. We ended up spending the rest of the evening lying on our extra mattress that we had moved into the living room. We talked about everything from moving, to family and friends and how much we love and appreciate them, to politics, to religion. We drank wine and ate popcorn. We talked for hours and stayed up way past my bedtime (which is usually around 9:00). Then we fell asleep and I had the best night's sleep I've had in ages. I actually slept in until 10.

I got up, walked the Leira dog, fed her and started cleaning. About an hour later, I couldn't take it anymore , so I tried to turn the laptop on....

It worked.

Nothing was lost. Everything was back to normal. Andrew went and got us breakfast at Panerra and we stayed in our pajamas and watched Doctor Who all day. We even took a nap. I allowed myself to waste hours positing pictures on Pinterest. It was bliss; a much needed day of no worrying.

Perhaps the incident of the tea and the laptop was a sign; a sign that I do need to just let go and focus on the adventures that lie ahead for us. I needed a day without a computer or social networking to get in the way of what's most important. I needed no distractions and the universe gave me that opportunity in the form of a silly accident that in turn, slightly threw me over the edge. Sometimes you just need to get it out. I'm still jobless and we're still looking for a home and I still find myself getting frustrated but the important thought I need to keep in mind is that we're doing this. We're following our dreams.

We're so very lucky and when it's all said and done, I know we'll look back at this time, old and gray, sitting in our matching rocking chairs, having no regrets.

And feeling so very thankful for the journey it took to get us there.


"We're half way there. OoooOh. Living on A Prayer."
Bon Jovi