Just Keep Swimming

I have been staring at a blank canvas of a computer screen for the past half hour. I've checked my email and facebook pages at least 3 times...nothing new to report. Now I'm listening to Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer.It's one of my favorites. Great lyrics, wonderful writers....

I suck.

My mind is frozen to any sort of creative writing today and I'm frustrated. Like anyone, I want instant success and have to keep reminding myself that I just started this project only a few weeks ago. In my ideal world, I imagine all my friends and family gathering in their homes, having deep conversations about my blog and what I'm trying to accomplish through my writing.

"Oh. Did you see Mary's blog today? It was superb! I don't know where she gets it from."

(In my mind, they are also drinking tea, eating crumpets and speaking in British accents though I know of no one in this list of people who would ever actually be doing any of these things. Perhaps this stems from all of the British t.v. Andrew and I have been watching over the past several months. )

Or they are having this conversation:

"Oh my God. Who does she think she is? She's not a writer. I spit on her words and ideas that make no sense and I wish she would stop sending me links to her blog site and stupid book idea. She can't write a book. She can't even write full sentences."

(In this image, I imagine lots of leather jackets, smoking and motorcycles. Again, not many, if any, people I know have these attributes.)

In all reality, I'm sure neither of these scenarios are even close to true. I realize people have more important things to do than to read whatever randomness I choose to write about for the day. I have several supporters out there whom have contacted me multiple times on the subject and I will always be forever grateful to these people especially. I strive on feedback so when I don't receive any, sometimes my confidence falters. I know this isn't fair and I need to find some other source of motivation...

I just want to be recognized.

I'm putting my life stories out there and I want people to connect, but I know I can't expect this from everybody or even anybody. All I can do is keep trying and not give up. I have to keep telling myself that some days, I won't receive any feedback and that's OK. This doesn't mean that people aren't reading what I'm doing. I can't expect any of this to matter to anyone else but myself. It's my passion. Not anyone elses so I need to just shut-up and write and just see what happens.

If someone connects, that's great. If not. Who cares, right? Why does it really matter?

I'm suddenly reminded of a fictional story I wanted to write several years ago. It was going to be a murder mystery, the main character being a small town girl who had never been anywhere who lived next door to a cocaine dealer, unbeknownst to her. One day, she needed a cup of flour...and so on. I pitched this idea to my brother and of course he knew where I was going with the story. "Someone dies from a cocaine overdose, right?"

Damnit. Why does he have to be so smart?

He had no idea and I know he didn't mean to, but his one statement made me stop production on the story all together. It wasn't his fault. I just needed to broaden the idea a little bit more. And that's just what it was...an idea. Only two of the characters had even slightly been formed and I just gave up.

I was stupid.

And I can't do that anymore. I have been talking about wanting to be a published writer for as long as I can remember. I still have stories I wrote from when I was in elementary school. They're all about cats, but that's beside the point.

The point it, I was born to do this. I can't let anyone bring me down.

I can't let myself bring me down.

In all honesty, and I'm sure it's the case for most of us, I am my worst enemy.

So just SHUT-UP Mary!

Just write....

"I am just a poor boy, though my stories seldom told"
Paul Simon