I came to the conclusion while just in the shower that I, am a coward. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to get my writing"out there". I have quit jobs in the past in order to focus more on my writing,only to turn around and get a job at Walmart. Now tell me, how is getting a job at Walmart in any way an inspiring tale in the life of Mary? (Though I do have some good stories of which I hope will make it into the book...)
My point is that I run away from any sort of opportunity to receive feedback,good or bad. I don't take criticism well and any form of negativity creeps into my skin like an unpleasant rash. Even now, ever since I sent out mass emails to friends, old and new, I cringe when I check every day to see if anyone has written me back.
Obviously, I want people to write me back and I want your feedback. That is the whole point of doing this in the first place. And so far, all of the emails that I have received in turn have been nothing but positive. I run upstairs in joyous tears each time to read to Andrew all of the beautiful words that you guys have written to me in tribute to this project. I feel so supported and so very loved. I can't begin to express how awesome that makes me feel.
But I'm sure the day will come when I don't receive such positive feedback and though it shouldn't matter, somehow it does. I know I won't hear from all of you and I'm sure not all of you have just nice things to say about me. I am in no way shape or form, a saint, nor have I ever claimed to be. And more than anything, I want nothing but honesty to pass between us within our conversations. I just have never taken rejection very well and in putting myself out there like I have...I know it's only a matter of time until the tears I'm crying are anything but joyous.
It's fears like these that often prevent me from writing in the first place. For example, I'm off every Thursday. Every Wednesday night, I make a to-do list of things I need to get done. 9 times out of 10 "writing" is on that list. I go to sleep thinking about all of the stories I can compose, trying to focus on one topic. But my head is like a tilt a whirl of thoughts and I often struggle to center on one subject in particular.
This is why I spend the majority of my Thursdays doing laundry, watching old re-runs of Felicity and Ally McBeal and playing spider solitaire.
Sad? Yes. But so completely true.
This morning when I woke up, I dug out all of my old short stories, poems, school papers and journals that I have written throughout the years. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't love to write....and I've kept it all. I've been reading over teachers comments on papers that I wrote and have made an epiphany. My best grades were made when I wrote about fictional characters. Any time I tried to write about myself, knowing that the reader would know it was about me, I closed up. I left out important details. I was sloppy and I blocked out any sense of real emotion.
Ironically, most of my short stories have had bits of me within the characters. No one would ever know this unless they knew me really well. I was able to hide these traits through giving them different names and personality's that were not my own, hiding bits and pieces of me here and there in hopes that the reader would never figure that out.
Here's the thing, I have asked for your honesty so I promise with everything in me that I will provide the same honesty to you. We've all had a connection in some way or another whether we are still close or not. I promise to deliver my stories with the truest conviction. Because in a way, they aren't just my stories, their yours too. I'm just writing my side of it. I'm still afraid of what I might find in taking this journey and who knows? I might even fail.
But at least I can look back and say that I faced my biggest fear.
"Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"
Anna Nalick
No comments:
Post a Comment