James

This week, I have been thinking a lot about a particular relationship/situation I was in for about 3 years. James. Or to most who know of him,,,"He who must not be named". (Special shout out to all of you Harry Potter fans out there!)

Please just let me go ahead and state that by thinking of this person, I only mean in the most relative sense. In doing this blog, I know I am going to have to frequently walk down memory lane. I also know that some of the roads I re-visit are not going to be the most pleasant.

He is one of those roads.


I wrote this morning about an experience we had very early on in our relationship and it's funny the things that come out in writing when you actually sit down and start forming sentences. Most of the time, everything is so jumbled up in my head that I rarely am able to figure out what it is exactly that I'm feeling about any given situation. This morning, my voice came out in my writing and feelings that I never knew I was feeling spoke to me in ways they have never spoken to me before. I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a different place now or if it's because I've had time to reflect.

Maybe both?

Not to keep you all in suspense but I'm not quite ready to make these experiences publicly known. In ways, these wounds are still in the early stages of healing and they are still so deeply my own.

I hope to find through my writing of these chapters in my life, some sort of means to an end. I am traveling down treacherous ground with this one, both emotionally and mentally. I know I am a stronger person now because I'm a survivor, but this doesn't mean it no longer hurts to think about such things.

I'm not sure the hurt will ever completely go away....I'm not even sure if I want it to.

I've found it's good to remember as long as you don't dwell on the bad stuff for too long or even on the good  that isn't a part of your life anymore. It's a fine line and some days, I'm not strong enough to stay on the right side of it. Some days, I just want to forget it all but then I'm reminded that it was a huge chunk of my life and though, not all of it was good, in fact most of that time was anything but, I can't justify forgetting because then some how it would all be in vain. It needs to be acknowledged because I learned so much from mistakes I made over and over again. And because of this, I will never forget the day when I finally said "ENOUGH!"

This in no way means that I'm proud of it or that I don't recognize that I wasn't the only one hurting. It just means that it happened and I can't forget that it happened because it's a part of me.

And on that note, this lyric is for you James, wherever you are:

"One last thing before I quit!
I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head!
I still remember every single word you said,
And all the shit that somehow came along with it!
Still, there's one thing that comforts me
Since I was always caged and now I'm free"
Foo Fighters