So, I went to an interview at a medical office last night and it took years off my life.
It lasted a whole hour and 3 different people came in asking pretty much the same questions over and over again in different ways.
I felt sort of like a prostitute, trying to sale myself and my skills. It left me feeling dirty and weak and unworthy.
I mean, how does one answer such questions as 'What are your 2 greatest accomplishments in life?' and 'Can you name an experience in the past year that was difficult for you and how did you handle it?'
My mind went completely blank and I was brought back to the time I had to take a public speaking class, focusing on not saying the word 'um' (though I know it escaped my lips more than once...I also, within the hour that I was there, began to use the phrase 'for sure'...what? Am I a surfer girl now?)
The whole experience left me feeling completely drained. I don't even remember over half of my answers. And the questions just made me question my existence and worth in this place. What have I accomplished in this life? What extra effort have I set forth to make another human being feel better about themselves? What makes me special in any way shape or form?
Living in a small town, I don't have many options when it comes to work. I basically have to know somebody, work somewhere in the medical field or in tourism. (Not to mention be OK with making very little money in a profession that doesn't make me feel like I have a purpose.). I'm not saying it would be better or easier anywhere else, but it's making living here that much harder to enjoy.
And that sucks.
Because it's my home, for now anyway, and a place I used to be so in love with.
Now, I just feel bitter and enraged at the lack of opportunity it presents for me.
So many times I've gotten in the car, wanting to take only the clothes on my back and drive...just drive to the next accepting city or state and give it a try.
My inability to settle is unsettling.
Ironic.
I'm stuck at another crossroads, another 'road not taken', uncertain which path to follow.
I know what my heart is telling me to do, but the consequences could be that much more drastic and I'm not sure I can emotionally handle that right now, nor do I want to cause or be any burden to anyone else.
I've wasted so much time not doing the things I love that I've forgotten what it is that truly makes me tick as a person, as an individual.
I feel like everything is a test and I'm failing miserably.
An ongoing interview that I can't escape from...
It lasted a whole hour and 3 different people came in asking pretty much the same questions over and over again in different ways.
I felt sort of like a prostitute, trying to sale myself and my skills. It left me feeling dirty and weak and unworthy.
I mean, how does one answer such questions as 'What are your 2 greatest accomplishments in life?' and 'Can you name an experience in the past year that was difficult for you and how did you handle it?'
My mind went completely blank and I was brought back to the time I had to take a public speaking class, focusing on not saying the word 'um' (though I know it escaped my lips more than once...I also, within the hour that I was there, began to use the phrase 'for sure'...what? Am I a surfer girl now?)
The whole experience left me feeling completely drained. I don't even remember over half of my answers. And the questions just made me question my existence and worth in this place. What have I accomplished in this life? What extra effort have I set forth to make another human being feel better about themselves? What makes me special in any way shape or form?
Living in a small town, I don't have many options when it comes to work. I basically have to know somebody, work somewhere in the medical field or in tourism. (Not to mention be OK with making very little money in a profession that doesn't make me feel like I have a purpose.). I'm not saying it would be better or easier anywhere else, but it's making living here that much harder to enjoy.
And that sucks.
Because it's my home, for now anyway, and a place I used to be so in love with.
Now, I just feel bitter and enraged at the lack of opportunity it presents for me.
So many times I've gotten in the car, wanting to take only the clothes on my back and drive...just drive to the next accepting city or state and give it a try.
My inability to settle is unsettling.
Ironic.
I'm stuck at another crossroads, another 'road not taken', uncertain which path to follow.
I know what my heart is telling me to do, but the consequences could be that much more drastic and I'm not sure I can emotionally handle that right now, nor do I want to cause or be any burden to anyone else.
I've wasted so much time not doing the things I love that I've forgotten what it is that truly makes me tick as a person, as an individual.
I feel like everything is a test and I'm failing miserably.
An ongoing interview that I can't escape from...
Drastic is not always a bad thing but make sure it's what YOU want, not what other people want or what you think you want.
ReplyDeleteSadness makes us think things are worse than they really are, take it from a depression expert. You will be wonderful what ever you do. And whatever you do and wherever you go, I'm here for you :). Love you!
ReplyDelete