Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a mask.
I feel like I have to hide the real me in order to accommodate everyone else. I know this isn't entirely true. I am a quiet introvert who often simply sits and listens to the conversation going on around her. Should I get up the nerve to add a little anecdote of my own, it often backfires into awkward silence or forced laughter because no one seems to understand/get what I'm talking about. Perhaps it's my delivery? I tend to stutter, get too quiet or too loud depending on how nervous I feel in a situation.
Lately, I've been just keeping my mouth shut because my self esteem is more fragile these days.
Sometimes, my feelings get misread. I tend to hold back until the oddest circumstance sends me into a fit of tears or laughter. I used to cry a lot in high school and paid for it with cruelty from my peers. Enough so that when I returned my sophomore year, I hid the tears long enough to get home and cry in private. The longer I did this, the more I held back and even stopped crying behind closed doors.
What was the point?
This makes me sound like I was some fragile/lost/depressed little person...but who isn't at least one of these in high school? We all just handle it in our own way.
I don't like crying in front of anyone. It's not that I see it as a weakness, it's that I fear this is how everyone else perceives it. My brother-in law mocks me because I cry at movies (pretty much MOST movies/TV shows). I take it because that's what's expected and it doesn't truly bother me enough to cause a conflict. But this is my outlet- my way to escape into a fictional world and feel for fictional characters.
It's how I am able to let go.
My Dad doesn't understand why anyone would want to go see anything that would upset them. (For example, the ever so popular 'The Fault In Our Stars'). Why would I purposefully go, knowing it was going to be upsetting?
Because it's a beautiful story and stories such as these awaken feelings in me that I don't want to let go of, even if it's only in a fictional world. I empathize but I don't claim to understand what these characters are going through.I try to apply this to real life situations as well.
But the mask always stays on, leaving me with little to say. I listen. I'm a listener and I typically nod my head and share a compassionate glance when someone finds the need to vent to me about any given thing. I hear everything around me and it seeps into my pores. I hear the common 'I need to lose weight' conversation at work and it affects me because I don't know how to join this conversation. If I say 'me too' (which is what I typically believe), I don't know if I'm more scared of silence, someone agreeing or someone saying 'no you don't'- because it's a real problem and something I struggle with every day.
Plus, I hate it when you're talking to someone and suddenly the conversation turns, making it only about them. Sometimes I need to vent too and though I appreciate someone trying to understand, sometimes I just need someone to listen.
I don't thrive being around such negativity. People are generally too hard on themselves and where I choose to keep it quiet and confined in my own mind, others tend to let it out in the world, creating a harsh light around everyone else around them.
On the rare occasion, I'll pipe in with a cynical remark, joining in the badly tasted humor around me and then I feel sick to my stomach.
When is it ever OK to make fun of another human being behind their back? No one ever truly knows what's going on in anyone's life and we're all so quick to judge.
These are the things that keep me up at night.
Mask or no mask. Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. It's hard to hold onto completely and it's easy to stray.
All I can do is keep striving to be better.
It's amazing how powerful positive thinking can be.
'As I, turn up the collar on
My favorite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the streets
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs'
- Michael Jackson ('Man In the Mirror)
I feel like I have to hide the real me in order to accommodate everyone else. I know this isn't entirely true. I am a quiet introvert who often simply sits and listens to the conversation going on around her. Should I get up the nerve to add a little anecdote of my own, it often backfires into awkward silence or forced laughter because no one seems to understand/get what I'm talking about. Perhaps it's my delivery? I tend to stutter, get too quiet or too loud depending on how nervous I feel in a situation.
Lately, I've been just keeping my mouth shut because my self esteem is more fragile these days.
Sometimes, my feelings get misread. I tend to hold back until the oddest circumstance sends me into a fit of tears or laughter. I used to cry a lot in high school and paid for it with cruelty from my peers. Enough so that when I returned my sophomore year, I hid the tears long enough to get home and cry in private. The longer I did this, the more I held back and even stopped crying behind closed doors.
What was the point?
This makes me sound like I was some fragile/lost/depressed little person...but who isn't at least one of these in high school? We all just handle it in our own way.
I don't like crying in front of anyone. It's not that I see it as a weakness, it's that I fear this is how everyone else perceives it. My brother-in law mocks me because I cry at movies (pretty much MOST movies/TV shows). I take it because that's what's expected and it doesn't truly bother me enough to cause a conflict. But this is my outlet- my way to escape into a fictional world and feel for fictional characters.
It's how I am able to let go.
My Dad doesn't understand why anyone would want to go see anything that would upset them. (For example, the ever so popular 'The Fault In Our Stars'). Why would I purposefully go, knowing it was going to be upsetting?
Because it's a beautiful story and stories such as these awaken feelings in me that I don't want to let go of, even if it's only in a fictional world. I empathize but I don't claim to understand what these characters are going through.I try to apply this to real life situations as well.
But the mask always stays on, leaving me with little to say. I listen. I'm a listener and I typically nod my head and share a compassionate glance when someone finds the need to vent to me about any given thing. I hear everything around me and it seeps into my pores. I hear the common 'I need to lose weight' conversation at work and it affects me because I don't know how to join this conversation. If I say 'me too' (which is what I typically believe), I don't know if I'm more scared of silence, someone agreeing or someone saying 'no you don't'- because it's a real problem and something I struggle with every day.
Plus, I hate it when you're talking to someone and suddenly the conversation turns, making it only about them. Sometimes I need to vent too and though I appreciate someone trying to understand, sometimes I just need someone to listen.
I don't thrive being around such negativity. People are generally too hard on themselves and where I choose to keep it quiet and confined in my own mind, others tend to let it out in the world, creating a harsh light around everyone else around them.
On the rare occasion, I'll pipe in with a cynical remark, joining in the badly tasted humor around me and then I feel sick to my stomach.
When is it ever OK to make fun of another human being behind their back? No one ever truly knows what's going on in anyone's life and we're all so quick to judge.
These are the things that keep me up at night.
Mask or no mask. Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. It's hard to hold onto completely and it's easy to stray.
All I can do is keep striving to be better.
It's amazing how powerful positive thinking can be.
'As I, turn up the collar on
My favorite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the streets
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs'
- Michael Jackson ('Man In the Mirror)
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