I struggle with judgement every day.
Perhaps we all do.
I find myself hearing/listening to tid-bits of people's conversations, learning that they are mostly filled with discussions/representations of another person(s). I am notorious for over thinking everything I say or do and upon hearing such conversations, tend to revert the position of the person(s) being talked about onto myself. Some might say that in doing this, I make everything about me. Perhaps I do in a way but I don't view it as being in a selfish manner. At least, this is not my intention. I believe that I do this because I fear that judgement is being passed onto me and I have no control over it. I find myself feeling empathetic to the people who are not there in the room to defend themselves over being spoken about secretly. I find myself feeling horrible for not speaking up for them. And, I confess, I find myself feeling horrified that these sort of conversations take place about me while I'm not around to defend my own self.
All this being said, during the instances when I do find my voice and speak up against the words being said to defend a person I care about or a community I stand strong with, I find that while speaking, I feel this breath of insecurity creeping into my veins, knowing full well that as soon as I walk away, I will be the next topic of conversation. I tell my inward self that I don't care.
But I do.
I care how and what people think of me even if I hold no respect for a word that comes out of their own mouths. Just like most of us, I want to be liked and looked up to. I want to be known as being someone who stands up for the people and beliefs that she stands for in this world filled with cruelty and dishonor.
Then there are the days when I find myself synced in with the gossip. I hate myself on these days because it stands against everything I work so hard to avoid. I know there is a time and a place to vent/talk/scream about the moments in life when you just don't understand why something was done a certain way or why a person reacted in a certain fashion. But the last thing I want to do is pass judgement onto a person because of how and who they are. In most instances, I don't even know the person well enough to even begin to understand their actions. So what gives me, or anyone else, the right to speak out against them so negatively just because he/she didn't do what I might have done in the same situation?
I am a sensitive soul who tends to see most circumstances as more than just black or white. There are so many different scenarios and my mind often goes back and forth in all different directions, trying to understand each different perspective. It can be exhausting which I guess is why sometimes I do join in with the norm of most people just getting irritated with someone because he/she didn't react in the same way I would have. It's the easy way out.
It's a horrible excuse and I try so hard to stay away from it even though I'm surrounded by it every day.
Who needs to fear Judgement Day when we put ourselves through it on a daily basis simply by being human?
Think about that for just a moment.
"Now I have a lot to learn and I'm starting tonight,
Got to stop looking at things like they're black and they're white.
Got to write more songs of a little more, treat my friends better.
Got to stop worrying about everything to the letter.
And sometimes when it's too hard to get up,
It just might be a little call apart.
But I find it hard to believe, but if anything
That's what's going to save me
That's what's going to save me"
"New Years Eve"- First Aid Kit
Perhaps we all do.
I find myself hearing/listening to tid-bits of people's conversations, learning that they are mostly filled with discussions/representations of another person(s). I am notorious for over thinking everything I say or do and upon hearing such conversations, tend to revert the position of the person(s) being talked about onto myself. Some might say that in doing this, I make everything about me. Perhaps I do in a way but I don't view it as being in a selfish manner. At least, this is not my intention. I believe that I do this because I fear that judgement is being passed onto me and I have no control over it. I find myself feeling empathetic to the people who are not there in the room to defend themselves over being spoken about secretly. I find myself feeling horrible for not speaking up for them. And, I confess, I find myself feeling horrified that these sort of conversations take place about me while I'm not around to defend my own self.
All this being said, during the instances when I do find my voice and speak up against the words being said to defend a person I care about or a community I stand strong with, I find that while speaking, I feel this breath of insecurity creeping into my veins, knowing full well that as soon as I walk away, I will be the next topic of conversation. I tell my inward self that I don't care.
But I do.
I care how and what people think of me even if I hold no respect for a word that comes out of their own mouths. Just like most of us, I want to be liked and looked up to. I want to be known as being someone who stands up for the people and beliefs that she stands for in this world filled with cruelty and dishonor.
Then there are the days when I find myself synced in with the gossip. I hate myself on these days because it stands against everything I work so hard to avoid. I know there is a time and a place to vent/talk/scream about the moments in life when you just don't understand why something was done a certain way or why a person reacted in a certain fashion. But the last thing I want to do is pass judgement onto a person because of how and who they are. In most instances, I don't even know the person well enough to even begin to understand their actions. So what gives me, or anyone else, the right to speak out against them so negatively just because he/she didn't do what I might have done in the same situation?
I am a sensitive soul who tends to see most circumstances as more than just black or white. There are so many different scenarios and my mind often goes back and forth in all different directions, trying to understand each different perspective. It can be exhausting which I guess is why sometimes I do join in with the norm of most people just getting irritated with someone because he/she didn't react in the same way I would have. It's the easy way out.
It's a horrible excuse and I try so hard to stay away from it even though I'm surrounded by it every day.
Who needs to fear Judgement Day when we put ourselves through it on a daily basis simply by being human?
Think about that for just a moment.
"Now I have a lot to learn and I'm starting tonight,
Got to stop looking at things like they're black and they're white.
Got to write more songs of a little more, treat my friends better.
Got to stop worrying about everything to the letter.
And sometimes when it's too hard to get up,
It just might be a little call apart.
But I find it hard to believe, but if anything
That's what's going to save me
That's what's going to save me"
"New Years Eve"- First Aid Kit
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