I have been taking some time the past few days to reflect on some possibilities for my life. I have tried to remain realistic and rational, two qualities I don't seem to carry when I need them the most. Usually, when faced with such decision making, I find myself feeling overwhelmed at each prospect and tend to stay where it is I at least feel safe, even if I know deep down, in the end I will not be happy with the result. I then feel like grabbing my hair with ferocious frustration and run screaming for the hills before anyone has the chance to stop me.
This time, I am trying to approach life more peacefully. It seems I have yet another chance to change the course I've been taking for the past almost 10 years. I feel it's the universes way of telling me "Hey, remember those dreams you've been dreaming and yet not focusing on because you have a job that pays the bills and gets you through? They're still here. Take this chance NOW before another 10 years passes you by and you're too old to accomplish whatever it is you want to get out of this life that is so very short in all reality."
Ok Universe. I hear you loud and clear.
So when I find myself getting distracted and discouraged over the fear of failing, I try to take a few moments to meditate and truly focus on what it is I truly want. Here is what I've discovered thus far: I have no need or want to be famous. I just want to be heard. I want to make a difference and if my story somehow touches another soul in some small way, this is achievement enough. I find that I have been letting all of the distractions and excuses of everyday life get in the way of actually living my life. I watch people go out with their friends or do meaningful tasks after working the same long hours I have worked. I tell myself over and over again that I will accomplish one small task in a day and seem to be coming up empty of late. I have no motivation or energy and I can't quite pinpoint where the lack of feeling any sort of emotion other than exhaustion is coming from. I can usually shake it and fight against it, but lately. Nothing. I'm numb and feel more like one of the extras in "The Walking Dead" rather than being the star of the show called My Life. Hope seems so far away even though I know I still have some. I just don't know how to bring it back up to the surface. I don't know where to begin.
So I breathe. In and out, out and in. Doing so merely to bring myself back to the situation at hand. I know myself enough to appreciate the fact of if I don't do something now, even if I fail, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I need to forget the whole concept of being accepted or worrying about what everyone else does or might think. Who cares? Why do I care so much about statistics and acceptance? I try to hide how much it affects me but it comes boiling up to the surface again each time I try to ignore it in hopes that age and wisdom will win out this time. Slowly, but surely, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't really matter. I'm losing sight over what does matter and it's this and this fact alone; so many of us have a dream and more often than not, we let fear take control and keep us from doing the things we want to do. I can't let fear control me anymore or I'm going to go insane with worry. I can't do it anymore. I have to find a way to stop. I have to find a way to make my life my own again.
I just wish I knew what to do and how to make this happen. I feel like I'm full of so much and the threat of exploding could happen at any given moment. But I just keep holding back. I don't feel like I used to hold back as much. Maybe, just maybe, I'm scared of the person who will be revealed should I actually say the words I'm thinking or share the feelings I'm feeling.
I feel lost in the crowd. I guess, in a way, I've always felt like this in some form; like I'm invisible and no one can truly see me or the person I am and who I want to be, just another face with no meaning, shrinking away into a tiny existence that holds no relevance.
There are so many pieces to me and my life that I feel I need to pick and take apart, then somehow reconstruct them into a work of art I can simply call my own. I don't want to create a story based on small facts I've lived throughout my life. I want to write my story. Yet it seems to be so much harder than creating a character of fiction. I've spent so much of my life focusing on everyone else and can somehow muster up enough positivity to throw in their direction, but when it comes to dealing with myself and my pain, I don't seem to have enough positive healing left over.
So I wait for a new day, letting each hour, each minute, each second pass me by when deep down I know that I could have used that time to create something wonderful. I do hear the words of encouragement coming out of everyone elses mouths preaching "you can do it" and "we believe in you", but it isn't until I can say these same words to myself that I can truly change and succeed.
I'm tired of waiting and I have to start somewhere. So this is it, the beginning of a journey I thought I had started when I created this blog. In truth, I've only been procrastinating, hiding behind the small glimpses of my story that I have offered to you here.
Today is the day I start to follow my dreams. Today is the day I spread my wings and fly. I may fall more than once, but I will get back up and try again. The only truth in failure is if I don't try at all.
Here it goes.
"I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up"
-Sugarland
This time, I am trying to approach life more peacefully. It seems I have yet another chance to change the course I've been taking for the past almost 10 years. I feel it's the universes way of telling me "Hey, remember those dreams you've been dreaming and yet not focusing on because you have a job that pays the bills and gets you through? They're still here. Take this chance NOW before another 10 years passes you by and you're too old to accomplish whatever it is you want to get out of this life that is so very short in all reality."
Ok Universe. I hear you loud and clear.
So when I find myself getting distracted and discouraged over the fear of failing, I try to take a few moments to meditate and truly focus on what it is I truly want. Here is what I've discovered thus far: I have no need or want to be famous. I just want to be heard. I want to make a difference and if my story somehow touches another soul in some small way, this is achievement enough. I find that I have been letting all of the distractions and excuses of everyday life get in the way of actually living my life. I watch people go out with their friends or do meaningful tasks after working the same long hours I have worked. I tell myself over and over again that I will accomplish one small task in a day and seem to be coming up empty of late. I have no motivation or energy and I can't quite pinpoint where the lack of feeling any sort of emotion other than exhaustion is coming from. I can usually shake it and fight against it, but lately. Nothing. I'm numb and feel more like one of the extras in "The Walking Dead" rather than being the star of the show called My Life. Hope seems so far away even though I know I still have some. I just don't know how to bring it back up to the surface. I don't know where to begin.
So I breathe. In and out, out and in. Doing so merely to bring myself back to the situation at hand. I know myself enough to appreciate the fact of if I don't do something now, even if I fail, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I need to forget the whole concept of being accepted or worrying about what everyone else does or might think. Who cares? Why do I care so much about statistics and acceptance? I try to hide how much it affects me but it comes boiling up to the surface again each time I try to ignore it in hopes that age and wisdom will win out this time. Slowly, but surely, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't really matter. I'm losing sight over what does matter and it's this and this fact alone; so many of us have a dream and more often than not, we let fear take control and keep us from doing the things we want to do. I can't let fear control me anymore or I'm going to go insane with worry. I can't do it anymore. I have to find a way to stop. I have to find a way to make my life my own again.
I just wish I knew what to do and how to make this happen. I feel like I'm full of so much and the threat of exploding could happen at any given moment. But I just keep holding back. I don't feel like I used to hold back as much. Maybe, just maybe, I'm scared of the person who will be revealed should I actually say the words I'm thinking or share the feelings I'm feeling.
I feel lost in the crowd. I guess, in a way, I've always felt like this in some form; like I'm invisible and no one can truly see me or the person I am and who I want to be, just another face with no meaning, shrinking away into a tiny existence that holds no relevance.
There are so many pieces to me and my life that I feel I need to pick and take apart, then somehow reconstruct them into a work of art I can simply call my own. I don't want to create a story based on small facts I've lived throughout my life. I want to write my story. Yet it seems to be so much harder than creating a character of fiction. I've spent so much of my life focusing on everyone else and can somehow muster up enough positivity to throw in their direction, but when it comes to dealing with myself and my pain, I don't seem to have enough positive healing left over.
So I wait for a new day, letting each hour, each minute, each second pass me by when deep down I know that I could have used that time to create something wonderful. I do hear the words of encouragement coming out of everyone elses mouths preaching "you can do it" and "we believe in you", but it isn't until I can say these same words to myself that I can truly change and succeed.
I'm tired of waiting and I have to start somewhere. So this is it, the beginning of a journey I thought I had started when I created this blog. In truth, I've only been procrastinating, hiding behind the small glimpses of my story that I have offered to you here.
Today is the day I start to follow my dreams. Today is the day I spread my wings and fly. I may fall more than once, but I will get back up and try again. The only truth in failure is if I don't try at all.
Here it goes.
"I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up"
-Sugarland
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