You're So Vain

You  manipulate my dreams as though you were still here, standing right in front of me, threatening every bead of happiness within me.
It had been months since you had appeared and suddenly, there you are. I can feel my conscience willing myself to awaken in hopes that when I do, you will no longer be there when I close my eyes again to fall back into sleep.
Of course this never works. The memory of you is still too vivid to erase you so completely from my mind. During these sleepless nights, it's best to just get out of bed and get moving. This reminds me of how far I have come since you and the happiness that envelops me since I removed you from my life. 
But will you ever be really gone?
I strum songs on the guitar that you gave me, the only physical object I have kept from you these last 7 years. Has it really been 7 years? Sometimes, the pain seems so fresh... Every time I learn a new song that reminds me of you and the pain you embedded within me, I wish I could somehow let you hear so that I could see the look on your face once you realize the words being sung are mere representations of everything you put me through.
In reality, I know you wouldn't care. I'm not sure you ever have cared about anyone, including yourself.  It's amusing how Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" is a song you jokingly claimed to be about yourself, or rather someone like yourself, and you have no idea that this wouldn't be a compliment even if it were the truth.
"You had one eye on the mirror" always, if not both, so determined to drag everyone around you into the world that you created for yourself. I was tricked into believing that you needed me; that I could somehow help fix whatever past it was you were running away from .
I look back and have no idea what, if any, of the words you said were true.
I realize now that I was merely another victim, one of many; a girl with low enough self esteem to be taken in by your cries for help. Help you never truly wanted. 
The last time I spoke to you, (was it 4 years ago?), you asked me what it was that you had done to make me hate you so much. I didn't have an answer. I still don't. And I don't hate you. Hate is too strong of an emotion to feel towards a parasite like you. You're not worth it.
You never were and you never will be.
Do you realize how hard it is for me to give up? To admit that I have failed in a feat I spent 3 years of my life trying to remedy from all angles. I gave up so much during that time and almost lost it all because I believed in you that much.
Have you ever believed in anyone, even a little bit? Have you ever cared so much for someone elses happiness that you gave up dreams and experiences that you can never get back?
I guess not.
I consider myself a very empathetic person, but there is one personification I have no empathy for and that is not possessing the hope of wanting to be the best person one can be. I don't understand the need to always be unhappy.
I don't understand the need to drag someone else into your unhappiness just for the mere fact that you will no longer be alone should you succeed.
So I guess I have one thing, and one thing only to thank you for. I have no patience to be around people like that, like you, who thrive off of making someone else miserable because they're too scared to stand up to life and the unfairness of it all.
"I had dreams they were clouds in my coffee" and most of them broke free. I still struggle at times to remember the person I lost during those 3 years. The important factor in all of this is that I escaped.
I escaped.
I still worry about your other victims, past, present and future. I still care about their souls and hope that they are strong enough to realize what you are...and that they have the power within themselves to break free. Maybe I still have some hope left for you that one of these people can finish what I started.
Perhaps it's this hope that makes me feel that it wasn't all in vain.

"You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive"
Carly Simon