The Woman In the Mirror

Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a mask.
I feel like I have to hide the real me in order to accommodate everyone else. I know this isn't entirely true. I am a quiet introvert who often simply sits and listens to the conversation going on around her. Should I get up the nerve to add a little anecdote of my own, it  often backfires into awkward silence or forced laughter because no one seems to understand/get what I'm talking about. Perhaps it's my delivery? I tend to stutter, get too quiet or too loud depending on how nervous I feel in a situation.
Lately, I've been just keeping my mouth shut because my self esteem is more fragile these days.
Sometimes, my feelings get misread. I tend to hold back until the oddest circumstance sends me into a fit of tears or laughter. I used to cry a lot in high school and paid for it with cruelty from my peers. Enough so that when I returned my sophomore year, I hid the tears long enough to get home and cry in private. The longer I did this, the more I held back and even stopped crying behind closed doors.
What was the point?
This makes me sound like I was some fragile/lost/depressed little person...but who isn't at least one of these in high school? We all just handle it in our own way.
I don't like crying in front of anyone. It's not that I see it as a weakness, it's that I fear this is how everyone else perceives it. My brother-in law mocks me because I cry at movies (pretty much MOST movies/TV shows). I take it because that's what's expected and it doesn't truly bother me enough to cause a conflict. But this is my outlet- my way to escape into a fictional world and feel for fictional characters.
It's how I am able to let go.
My Dad doesn't understand why anyone would want to go see anything that would upset them. (For example, the ever so popular 'The Fault In Our Stars'). Why would I purposefully go, knowing it was going to be upsetting?
Because it's a beautiful story and stories such as these awaken feelings in me that I don't want to let go of, even if it's only in a fictional world. I empathize but I don't claim to understand what these characters are going through.I try to apply this to real life situations as well.
But the mask always stays on, leaving me with little to say. I listen. I'm a listener and I typically nod my head and share a compassionate glance when someone finds the need to vent to me about any given thing. I hear everything around me and it seeps into my pores. I hear the common 'I need to lose weight' conversation at work and it affects me because I don't know how to join this conversation. If I say 'me too' (which is what I typically believe), I don't know if I'm more scared of silence, someone agreeing or someone saying 'no you don't'- because it's a real problem and something I struggle with every day.
Plus, I hate it when you're talking to someone and suddenly the conversation turns, making it only about them. Sometimes I need to vent too and though I appreciate someone trying to understand, sometimes I just need someone to listen. 
I don't thrive being around such negativity. People are generally too hard on themselves and where I choose to keep it quiet and confined in my own mind, others tend to let it out in the world, creating a harsh light around everyone else around them.
On the rare occasion, I'll pipe in with a cynical remark, joining in the badly tasted humor around me and then I feel sick to my stomach.
When is it ever OK to make fun of another human being behind their back? No one ever truly knows what's going on in anyone's life and we're all so quick to judge.
These are the things that keep me up at night.
Mask or no mask. Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. It's hard to hold onto completely and it's easy to stray.
All I can do is keep striving to be better.
It's amazing how powerful positive thinking can be.

'As I, turn up the collar on
My favorite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the streets
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs'
- Michael Jackson ('Man In the Mirror)

It Only Takes A Moment

It's summer.
And even though I swore I would never complain about the heat again after moving from 100+ degree weather during Raleigh Summers to 80+ weather here in Asheville....
It's freakin hot!
The humidity is starting to make me resemble Monica from Friends during her Caribbean excursion. I will not be getting corn roes but good Lord, how I sometimes wish to have some magic beauty tips on keeping my hair semi-smallish and my face from glistening in sweat with it's paleness for all to see.
I'm not a girly girl- never have been. But I do have moments when I would like to feel pretty. Those moments in THIS weather are very few and far between this season.
Every time I feel like I'm starting to become a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, small insecurities creep back up in a huge way. My skin will start to clear up one day and the next it looks as though I'm a 30+ year old teenager with dark circles under my eyes and acne across my forehead.
I've been asked to be in 2 weddings this year which makes me feel super awesome and like I'm doing something right. One of the weddings was a few weeks ago and we were able to pick out our own dresses but the Bride wanted us to wear fishnets.
I am not a fishnet type of girl per say but as a Bridesmaid, 'your wish is my command' is the sort of attitude that should be portrayed. So fishnets were discussed and a type of lacy pair with flair was picked out. Again, not my cup of tea but I complied, sucked it up, bought the fishnets and the Mary Jane shoes (Oh, did I not mention the shoes?) and I was all set only to find that the day of the wedding everyone else had gotten NORMAL fishnets and I was the only one with the lacy ones. No big deal...I just didn't get the memo.
But I felt so silly and how does one explain the difference?
So, I'm feeling slightly pretty in my purple dress and non-matching tights comparatively to the other girls(meaning the tights, not the prettiness. Everyone looked really beautiful. I just looked like a complete heel who didn't want to get the same sort of tights as everyone else when this was never the case and I was always the one that showed mega support towards anything the bride wanted to do, never complaining, just simply doing...but again. No. Big. Deal. ) Pictures were taken during the whole event and I smiled and laughed and played.
Oh Lord, did I play.
When the music started and no one was dancing, Andrew and I decided to dance with our sweet 2 year old niece. Awesome! Great quality times were ahead. So we're dancing and she loves to be lifted up and swung around. The moment we tried to gracefully lift her up, she went completely dead weight and we barely got her feet off the ground. Wow. She's much heavier than she was the last time I held her in my arms. But we carried on, lifting her and dancing with her, enjoying her giggling and sweet smiles as any proud Aunt and Uncle are apt to do.
But holy crap. I felt so old after a song and a half and I was completely exhausted.
Why didn't we simply have kids when we were still in our 20's?
Needless to say, it was a bit discouraging being out danced by a lively and energetic 2 year old that never stops. It was worth it....but still exhausting to say the least.
My point? My point is that the universe seems to keep challenging me more and more every time I think I'm just a little bit ahead of the game. Every time I see a new path in our journey getting closer and closer, something comes up, making that path just a little bit further away from reality.
For example, the day after the wedding, my back was in quite a bit of pain and I just figured it was from all of the dancing and riding in the car. The next day, I was in the ER with a massive UTI and kidney infection.
Who knew?
John Lennon said it best, "Life is what happens when you're too busy making other plans". I used to think that this lyric applied to only good moments in life that happen under our noses, un-noticed becasue we're so busy worrying about the future. The longer I live however, i'm beginning to understand that it appies to all aspects of life.
Life happens.
Shit happens.
And we are in less control of the world around us than we would like to be.
So next time I find myself struggling with the summer heat, simply wishing for Fall, I need to remind myself that the year will be at it's end soon enough. So many months and days and moments lie between and I don't want to miss any more of them...
Good or bad.

"Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better"
- John Lennon

That's Me In the Corner

Sometimes I feel like no one truly takes me seriously.
Perhaps this is because I'm the youngest and add being small and quiet into the mix and that makes me screwed from the get go.
I've always struggled with having a voice- knowing I have very strong opinions but feeling too worried that I might offend someone has on many occasions made me keep my mouth shut. I listen. I'm a listener.
I'm a very good listener.
I'm highly aware that my wavering confidence and paranoia at times can be the reason why I feel like what I have to say is mute to everyone else. I have honestly reached the point in my life where I mostly don't care how other people perceive me, especially those of whom I harbor not an inch of respect.
It's those whom I look up to myself and those choice few people whose opinion of me does matter- this is what I struggle with.
But I usually still keep my mouth shut because honestly, I can't change how they perceive me or how they feel about any given situation. I know this and am almost too aware of what's written unsaid between the lines. Feelings are heavy and at times awkward. It often turns into a contest of who's right and wrong- when the area is too gray to even come close to the correct answer.
There is no correct answer and I can accept that for what it is.
I go on living my life with the occasional lingering voice in the back of my mind whispering to me that I'm not good enough at anything I do. I pick up the guitar and will learn 5 new songs in a day- but that voice is there telling me I will never equate to those around me who also play. I work in the medical field (with animals instead of people) but this too wasn't mine before I started. The knowledge is shared and though I have much of it, it's not as extensive as others merely because I haven't had the chance to live so long doing it...yet. This doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. This doesn't mean I can't strum a guitar or carry a tune. I have a voice.
I have a very strong voice.
A voice that I feel sometimes only gets heard by a handful of friends and strangers right here, no matter how loud I sing or how confident I feel when explaining- very few listen. 
Just once, I wish someone would listen.
The other day jokes were being thrown around about being dramatic. My husband was asked if he felt I was a drama queen and my dad simply told him to 'be careful how he answered'. I looked at him and he honestly said 'God no! She's the furthest thing from it'...and my dad laughed.
He laughed.
And not a simple 'ha ha ha'. It was from the heart because he truly believed Andrew was just trying to get out of an awkward mess. This may seem silly and irrelevant but it hurt just the same. I could see the confusion on Andrew's face because I know he truly meant the words he said. He wasn't around during the time in my life when it seemed drama followed me wherever I went. I imagine it seems as though I always went looking for it but this was never the case...maybe in a small way but that's done and over. That chapter in my life has been closed for years. I've let it go.
Why can't everyone else follow suit? Why is it not so obvious how much I have grown and changed in the past 10 years?
Maybe they have in a small way- but maybe it's harder for them because seeing those insecurities disappear means that their baby has grown up- maybe this scares them in a way I can't fully understand because I am not yet a parent.
I still have insecurities- don't we all? ( I mean seriously I'm screaming out loud right now on the computer but can't conjure up the nerve to speak the words to the faces I'm hurt by). Hey, at least I own them. At least I'm aware.
Life is such a strange phenomenon. We grow up listening to the adults around us simply because this is what we're taught to do. Anyone taller than us serves as a potential role model. I stopped growing at the age of 12, never quite reaching the height of 5'2''. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that not all adults know what the hell they're talking about and that we're all just playing the game day by day, hoping we just don't screw anything up. It sucks to come to the realization that your role models have the same insecurities as you do. It's a harsh lesson and one I struggle with the most.
I sit here and complain about not being taken seriously but there is a small part of me that still wants to be taken care of and told that everything will be OK. The memory of being taken to bed via shoulder back and sung 'goodnight' to is still so fresh in my mind.
Perhaps it's still that fresh in theirs too and it's that much harder to break away from.
So I leave you with this parting thought- don't be afraid to speak up, no matter how small, large, old or young you are. You have a voice and it wants to be heard. Your voice may quiver and shake and this may make it seem as though you have no clue what you're talking about- but don't listen to that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you you're not good enough. You are good enough. (I am good enough.) Believe in yourself...
And everyone else around you might start believing in you too.

'Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough '
R.E.M 'Losing My Religion'

May Day Rain

It's raining.
I don't have anywhere to be and I'm catching myself looking aimlessly out the window, thinking thoughts of what I'm going to do today.
The house needs to be cleaned. The laundry is piling up. The cats are restless and want to go outside on the screened in porch but it's too cold outside to keep the door open.
The rain doesn't care. The rain has no agenda to ruin a kid's time outside, to make us pull out our umbrellas and raincoats or to dig through the sweaters we just stocked away because Spring has sprung on our calenders.
The rain doesn't care if we decide to stay in and be lazy, watching episode after episode of 'The Cosby Show' on Hulu. It doesn't care if we sleep in or eat a whole bowl of popcorn for breakfast. It doesn't care if we read a book or two, write a play or simply sit and dream of it raining somewhere else in a place we'd rather be.
It pours down softly from it's clouds and whispers to the wind and the birds. It doesn't ask permission to fall. It simply falls, each raindrop after another because this is what rain does. It has a job to nurture the growing flowers and trees, to help them grow, but I'm not convinced the rain knows this.
I wonder what it's like to have a job and not know it. I wonder if the rain knows it's purpose or if it simply just comes out whenever she has the chance to. I wonder if sometimes, just sometimes, the rain peeks in our windows of the houses and cars we survive in, and wishes for something more.
It's a soft, gentle rain today, no thunder or lightning, no pounding of sleet or hail. It's sweet and peaceful, barely audible.
The rain is happy today and I like her.
She reminds me of being a kid again, running down the hill by my parents' house in bare feet, not a care in the world, holding hands with my brother, laughing and playing. She reminds me that it's OK to take a break from the constant thinking and worrying and surviving.
It's OK to simply be.

'Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the rain'

Time After Time

Hello, it's me.
I apologize for not having written in so long. My mind has been a whirlwind of emotions that I can't quite explain.
But I'll try, because that's what I do.
I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. And, as always, I've cracked jokes about getting older and feeling behind in life and blah blah blah. But I've discovered something truly magical in this past year.
It doesn't matter.
Age is indeed really just a number. There is no order to things and I find it ironic that for a time, I found myself struggling to catch up. I still do this but the voice inside my head urging me not to has become louder with time. The truth is, I have never been a straight line type of gal. I go in every zig-zagged direction before I make it to my destination. And even then, I struggle with settling.
The word 'final' has never truly been in my vocabulary.
Someone told me recently while having a conversation about life, dreams and whatnot, that I seem to be more "settled" than she is. This struck up an emotion within me that only those who have experienced my bouts of extreme stubbornness could identify with.
I'm not settled.
I'm far from being settled.
What gives her the right to view my life in this way?
Perhaps it might not seem like an insult to some, or maybe even most of you. But over the last several months I've let these words identify me. They have slowly been seeping into my brain, rendering me paralyzed from moving forward.
I feel stuck.
Is it too late for me to go on one of my crazy, random adventures? Isn't it time I settle down, buy a house, pop out a couple of kiddos and live this American Life? Who's to say that I can't still travel and have kids and a home with 5 cats and a dog? Who's to say I have to follow the rules?
I never have before so I find it odd how much I'm struggling with even the thought of becoming uniform. Maybe it's because this is what I eventually am "supposed" to do. The critics floating around in my mind tell me it's not OK to be both nomadic and have a family with a white picket fence and a yard for the dog to roam.
I can't have it both ways.
Or can I?
I have been unhappy in my line of work for at least 5 of the 10 years I've been a part of it. Maybe I've never fully let myself settle into it though it's the security that has kept me from leaving after all of these years. I'm good at it. It pays the bills (sort of). It provides a place to go 5-6 days out of the week.
But I still feel lost and at a stand still.
I've always struggled with normalcy. Even the idea of it is something totally foreign to me. I remember having conversations in my head beginning at the age of 7. I would have contests with the people living in my mind over who takes the quickest shower, brushes her teeth faster, gets dressed, ect ect. Even then I recall stopping myself for a brief moment and clearly thinking, 'I don't think other children spend their time doing this, perhaps I'm crazy, oh well, who cares?'.
But I always cared...perhaps too much. Maybe even so much that it has affected me into my adult life. I care what people think and I care how my decisions, though they are my own, might affect the people I care about. This, I feel, has kept me from doing the things that have slowly, with time, become more and more important. I keep brushing them off, telling myself that there is always time. What's another day? Another week? Another year?
Suddenly the list has become massive in my brain and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Suddenly I have all of these things to accomplish and I don't know where to begin because I've been sitting in limbo for so long.Suddenly, I want to stop worrying so much about how it might affect someone else, when all along, it's been affecting myself without me being aware of it. I want to fill this void that prevents me from living.
Does this make me a bad person?
We all have a bucket list of dreams and we all have goals. Somewhere between childhood and becoming an adult, I have separated these two items into to two completely different categories. Somewhere I have lost the ability to make my dreams come true without feeling guilty.
Not completely, but I do struggle when every day life simply gets in the way.
I'm 33 years old and feel like I have been putting a time stamp on everything. Today is the beginning of a new way of thinking. Today is a new day. Today, I choose to do whatever the hell I want.
Today, the adventure begins.

"After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -"
-Cyndi Lauper (Time After Time)

Meet Sadie Ann

What would you do if you saw an injured dog lying by the side of the road? Would you just keep driving, ignoring her obviously struggling body and hope that someone else would do the kind deed and stop? Would you pretend you didn’t see her with her sad eyes, asking for help? Or would you stop?

Dr. Genorah Warner of Skyland Animal Hospital did just this on the way to work early one Saturday morning. It was raining and she glanced over and saw something moving and obviously in distress on the side of the road. Once she got closer, she realized it was a dog that had most likely been hit by a car. Being a Veterinarian, she always has some blankets and at least one leash in her car so she pulled over to try to help the critter out.

She was obviously down in her back end, unable to walk on her own, and she was cold, wet and scared. The dog offered a few grumbled growls to Dr. Warner as she lifted her up into her car and placed her gently on some blankets. Obviously in pain, the injured pup seemed grateful to find some warmth in the blankets and the kind soul that actually stopped to help her, almost as though she knew that she was safe- for now.

Once at the hospital, Dr. Warner and her techs provided the dog with some pain management and antibiotics. We could visibly see that she had extensive wounds on her belly and right rear leg and that her pelvis was most likely broken. Upon scanning her for a microchip, we learned that she didn’t have one. The only form of identification she had was in the form of an old rabies tag from the humane alliance placed on her collar. She stayed through the weekend where we continued to offer her care until we were able to find her owners and get permission to perform more extensive procedures.

The following Monday, we learned that the dog and her housemate had been staying with a family member while her owner was out of town caring for her sick mother. The dogs had dug out of the fence and had been missing since the previous Wednesday. The housemate had also been hit and had many more extensive injuries. We learned that he had been euthanized only days before. They seemed thrilled to learn that their other dog, whose name we learned is Sadie Ann, had been found and was seemingly doing OK in the good hands of people who were growing to love her.

That morning, we sedated Sadie and performed hip and rear leg radiographs. We soon learned that she has a broken pelvis, split precisely in two, multiple fractures in her right hock and perhaps some internal injuries as well. We then learned that the surgery to prepare such injuries could cost anywhere from $1500-2000, not including after care or medications to help keep her comfortable. This kind of situation makes working in the veterinary field that much harder. Upon telling the owner this, the owners were given the option to either have the surgery done or euthanize. At this point, we couldn’t be certain of any other possible internal injuries that could minimize the time Sadie had with us. It was possible that the surgery would be performed and she still wouldn’t survive. The owner decided to give Sadie a chance and told us she would try to save up the money to have Sadie fixed.

Sadie came to us on December 14, 2013. Since then, she has been on pain management and antibiotics to treat her external wounds which have since healed. We have performed several radiographs and applied a splint to her left hock to help her get around better. She has had several bandage changes as well and she has also been heartworm and fecal tested. It also appears that her internal injuries weren’t as significant as what we had originally feared. She is able to use the bathroom on her own and she is now able to walk, sometimes jog, on her own, using her splinted leg to get traction and balance herself while walking and getting around the office. She has still not had any form of surgery, but she needs it in order to ensure a better quality of life.

She now also needs a new home. The previous owners have decided that they can no longer provide her with the extensive care that she needs both financially and mentally. It has been an emotional roller coaster for us all who have fallen in love with this sweet soul as we each have taken the time to care for her and keep her comfortable.

This is where you come in. We have set up a fund to “Please save Sadie”. To find out more information, please call Skyland Animal Hospital at (828)252-8644 or come on by and meet our sweet new friend who has taken up a space up front to help greet our clients as they come in each day.

We have coined the phrase “Miracle Dog” to this lovable, kind pup who has fought for her life daily since the moment Dr. Warner found her struggling by the side of the road. Each day she greets us with doggy kisses and a wagging tail, seemingly unaware that there is anything wrong with her. She’s a fighter and a huge inspiration to us all. Sadie has managed to touch the heart of each person she has encountered, providing love and comfort as only a dog can. Her story is a success that has just a little bit further to go. 

We ask you to please help save or friend Sadie. After all, it’s the least we can do since in a small way, she’s helped save us all here at Skyland Animal Hospital. We thank you for your love and support- and Sadie thanks you too.

Mary Will 

Not Fade Away

I feel like I'm disappearing.
Maybe it's the typical post- Holiday mixed with it's cold and winter/January blues, but I feel it's something greater that's pulling me back and forcing me to stay down. I'm finding that most days, I'm struggling to breathe. I literally have to remind myself to breathe in and breathe out, as though I'm teaching the art of this every day practice to myself all over again. I forget and hold my breath and I feel like I'm drowning, my head wavering just above the surface, offering a tease of hope that merely lingers because I refuse to let it go completely.
But it's hard.
And it hurts.
And I don't know why it hurts so badly but it does just the same. 
I used to go with the flow  much more easily, taking each day at a time because that's all I had. Time. Where did it go? How did I end up here? Stuck. Lost. Alone. Simply existing because I have to. My passion for life has started depleting as I see my goals and aspirations slipping from my fingertips, just out of reach from my touch, laughing at me.
It's so easy to get caught up in the everyday life "things" that we grow so accustomed to. What's for dinner? Why don't I have any clean socks? Damn. We're out of coffee. I find myself forgetting to do routine stuff that I've done for most of my adult life. I get caught staring into the deep unknown and struggle to come back to reality. Then once I do, I have no idea what's been going on around me for the past few minutes, hours, days?
I keep it all buried inside, hoping it will all just disappear. Then when it tries to sneak out into the form of words, I get even more frustrated because it doesn't make any sense and I can't convey what it is I'm feeling or what it is I'm trying to say. The words are meaningless, so I feel meaningless.
Lately, perhaps I am meaningless.
I search for the motivation it would take to simply get out of bed each morning. Willing myself to take that first step onto the cold hardwood floor and start moving. Don't sit down. Don't get distracted by your surroundings. Don't give up. Don't give in. Take a moment and breathe.
Just breathe.
Don't let the world take you over. Who cares if no one understands where you're coming from?
But wouldn't it be nice?
Wouldn't it be a joy to simply know that you're understood and you're not being a freak or seemingly appearing ungrateful for the life that has chosen you? Wouldn't it be nice to not feel like you have to explain yourself and every little action you take?
Wouldn't it be nice to not feel invisible?
To not fade away into the darkness that threatens to take hold of you?
Wouldn't it be so nice?