I feel like I'm in high school again; waiting by the phone, willing it to ring and in that mere instant, simply knowing that my life is about to change.
But like in high school, the phone doesn't ring.
Then, it was for a boy. Now?
I'm not sure what I want to hear on the other end of the line.
It's so frustrating being here and feeling as though I'm starting over. I know that the decision I made to leave a career in which I have built on for over 10 years was a huge one and that along with it comes consequences. But knowing this doesn't make the transition any easier.
I feel as though I'm leading myself into a blind, vacant forest of little or no opportunity. I fill out application after application with little interest or hope of a new door to walk through. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's as though my insides are ripping me apart with worry, confusion, and perhaps some excitement that comes along with the freedom of suddenly having time.
I am hyper-sensitive to every conversation around me. I want to be with people and then suddenly wish to be alone with my own thoughts, free from the distraction of any unwanted negative energy that should drift my way.
I am asked the same questions over and over again by those who I know are only interested in the next step in my journey, perhaps worried as well. But I have no answer other than the truth and it's that 'I don't know'. I have so many ideas of what I would love to do and how I would love to grow as a person. I just don't know where to begin.
I find myself getting irritated with the community and area I live in because work is not easy to come by. And the fact that every time we get back from a vacation, I feel less at home than I did when we left, is a very disconcerting one.
I'm drifting away into my thoughts and over-sensitivity and I'm not sure how to break free from it. There are places I want to see and things I want to do and be a part of but I feel like I have to keep these things secret to protect anyone else from being hurt or disappointed.
I feel trapped and time is just ticking away because no matter what, life just keeps going on around you. There is no pause button.
That would be too easy.
My hope in leaving was to find some sort of unknown that I've been searching for for so long. I know it will just take time but I can't avoid the emptiness I am feeling in not having a purpose to get up for every morning. The worst feeling is that I know I've done this to myself and that I am to blame.
I have always believed that one small person can make a difference...and I've always wanted to be one of those people...
I just wish I knew how or where or what....
In some ways, I feel more lost than I ever have and I just don't know what to do.
Dorothy was right when she said "If I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
She left out one part though.... you have to have a home that feels like home in the first place.
I came back, expecting it do be different this time...
But there's still a very big piece missing.
I just wish I knew what that piece was.
But like in high school, the phone doesn't ring.
Then, it was for a boy. Now?
I'm not sure what I want to hear on the other end of the line.
It's so frustrating being here and feeling as though I'm starting over. I know that the decision I made to leave a career in which I have built on for over 10 years was a huge one and that along with it comes consequences. But knowing this doesn't make the transition any easier.
I feel as though I'm leading myself into a blind, vacant forest of little or no opportunity. I fill out application after application with little interest or hope of a new door to walk through. I have no idea what I'm doing and it's as though my insides are ripping me apart with worry, confusion, and perhaps some excitement that comes along with the freedom of suddenly having time.
I am hyper-sensitive to every conversation around me. I want to be with people and then suddenly wish to be alone with my own thoughts, free from the distraction of any unwanted negative energy that should drift my way.
I am asked the same questions over and over again by those who I know are only interested in the next step in my journey, perhaps worried as well. But I have no answer other than the truth and it's that 'I don't know'. I have so many ideas of what I would love to do and how I would love to grow as a person. I just don't know where to begin.
I find myself getting irritated with the community and area I live in because work is not easy to come by. And the fact that every time we get back from a vacation, I feel less at home than I did when we left, is a very disconcerting one.
I'm drifting away into my thoughts and over-sensitivity and I'm not sure how to break free from it. There are places I want to see and things I want to do and be a part of but I feel like I have to keep these things secret to protect anyone else from being hurt or disappointed.
I feel trapped and time is just ticking away because no matter what, life just keeps going on around you. There is no pause button.
That would be too easy.
My hope in leaving was to find some sort of unknown that I've been searching for for so long. I know it will just take time but I can't avoid the emptiness I am feeling in not having a purpose to get up for every morning. The worst feeling is that I know I've done this to myself and that I am to blame.
I have always believed that one small person can make a difference...and I've always wanted to be one of those people...
I just wish I knew how or where or what....
In some ways, I feel more lost than I ever have and I just don't know what to do.
Dorothy was right when she said "If I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
She left out one part though.... you have to have a home that feels like home in the first place.
I came back, expecting it do be different this time...
But there's still a very big piece missing.
I just wish I knew what that piece was.
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